The Muck of Motherhood

Though there’s much to be said of the positive, priceless, and precious moments of motherhood, it wouldn’t be authentic to overlook the tough moments, the tired days, and the tantrums that make this job really, really hard at times. If my girls choose to become mothers someday, I don’t want them to look back at all of my sweet memories of them and think that somehow they are doing something wrong as a mom to have days where they want to scream, cry, or vacation in the tropics for an afternoon or a week. I want them to know that the reality of mothering for me was blissful moments and bountiful love wrapped up in days that weren’t picture perfect.

So, below, I list the top eleven challenges of motherhood for me (ten just wasn't enough), the muck of motherhood so to speak. I want to add the disclaimer that I wanted to be a mom more than anything, that I will forever be incredibly grateful for the sweet girls that I have been given, and that I do not take for granted the gift that they are. That having been said, let the grumbling begin.

1. Groundhog Day—Have you seen the movie? To me, it was painful to watch, waking up to the annoying sameness of every day. Though I am so glad to be home with my girls, there are many days that feel like Groundhog Day…the same lengthy process to get us out the door in the morning, the same daily routine, the same walls that I stare at day after day, the same dishes that I wash again and again, the same lingering thought that I used to influence many lives instead of two. Even shuttling children to preschool and activities seems to take on the same feel. Though I am thankful for the precious car conversations that occur on our really good days, the next greatest excitement is whether I will hit green lights more often than red. I wouldn’t change what I do and am so fortunate for our health and happiness, but the sameness of life, the monotony of motherhood is probably my greatest challenge. I have called it being understimulated before, and I think that sums it up for me. Lately, with a hubby who is working hard for our family days, nights, and weekends, the sameness seems to creep in even more, without that TGIF feeling to help break it up. Add in a long midwestern winter and the illness and extra time at home that that entails, and you have a formula for my growing restlessness.
2. Losing Myself—It is a challenge for me as a mother not to lose myself in my children, in my hope to give everything that I can to them but still retain some of me. I am happy to sacrifice but sometimes find myself wondering where I went and whether I will find out when I am not so needed by them someday.
3. Moodiness—Though there is much sameness, dealing with the moods of a toddler, a preschooler, and sometimes even myself is anything but predictable. It is hard to understand the anguish a child feels when the syrup is put on the wrong square inch of the plate, but it is impossible not to have it impact the calm…or lack thereof…in the family. Whining is a part of moodiness that could truly be its own number on this list. Somehow, whining seems to make them feel better, but listening to it makes me feel so much worse. My moodiness is typically in direct correlation to sleep deprivation, also a common concern for parents. Somehow, kids don't care what time you went to bed when they decide whether to wake at night and what time to get up in the morning. Sleep deprivation, too, could be a category onto itself, but I didn't want to have this list be taller than my toddler.
4. Sibling Strife—It is difficult to see two people that I love incredibly and equally cause each other pain. They both want to play with the same toy, among the dozens of toys available, but they can’t agree on how to play with it. They both want my attention at the exact same moment, and I can’t figure out how to split myself in two. Sure, they are learning important life skills like sharing and patience, but in the meantime, I am subjected to screams, cries, time outs, redirecting, reteaching, and relationship repair with people that both started microscopic in my womb and take up an equally enormous part of my heart.
5. The Reclean—It is incredible how many times I mop, pick up, scrub toilets, wipe down the table (not in that order ;-P), and generally clean our home, and yet it always seems to have that lived in look within minutes. As I finish cleaning the floors, I realize that it has been so quiet during my cleaning because there is now Playdoh mashed into my newly cleaned floor, starting the cycle once again. Laundry is the same…I can do four loads and still somehow have a pile forming before it is all folded and put away.
6. Mealtime Mayhem—Until you are a parent, I don’t think you can fully appreciate the amount of time that is devoted to feeding little mouths. There is the perusing for recipes, the planning, the purchasing, and the prepping. Then there is the cooking, the filling of plates, the refilling of plates, the teaching of table manners, and the calming that occurs when a child’s hopes are not met. Finally, there is the cleanup of the dishes, the table, the children, the floor, and the bad attitude that not often, but occasionally creeps in with the realization that this will all start again shortly.
7. Potty Time—When your child is in diapers, your big goal is potty training / learning. Then you train, and you realize that the potty holds its own control over your life. Whether you are at a store, in the car, or restfully sleeping in the middle of the night, urgent potty needs in your children turn into urgent mommying time for you. Potty needs know no boundaries of location, convenience, or time of day or night. I won’t even go into cleanup or toddler meltdowns over the whole process…if you’ve been there, you know.
8. Discipline Dilemmas—I am fortunate to typically agree with my hubby on most discipline issues, but both of us would say that is because I am the one who is here the vast majority of the time. Discipline can be a hot topic. The fact is, no matter how many books I read, what I never suspected when I was a child myself is that my parents weren’t 100% certain that they were doing the right thing with me. Raising children is part good intentions, part science experiment. The variables are each of my children’s personalities and the kind of day everyone is having. The control is hopefully mine, shared with them in ways that are affirming and growing opportunities while still leaving me in charge.
9. Just When You Think…--There are brief seconds in parenting when I think I have my children figured out, my parenting stance down, and our schedule mastered. Then, my children change, our schedule changes, my viewpoint changes, and I get to start again, knowing how much I don’t know while understanding how much I care. Since my kids mean the world to me, I would do anything to do it right, but that doesn’t mean I do it right every time, and that’s tough to accept.
10. The To Don’t List—There are so many things on my list that I don’t get to because of lack of time or lack of energy when the time comes to finally put the kids to bed. This can be challenging for someone who wants to achieve but doesn’t want to do it at the expense of the kids. Also on the “to don’t” list are typically self-care activities, things that I used to do for myself but can’t anymore because time and resources tend to go to the little lives that I cherish even more than my own. I have some friends that have learned to balance this well, and I admire that skill, as it probably helps them bring even more to the table as a mom. I have not yet arrived in this area. Though there are some wonderfully replenishing things I do for myself as a mom, like go to book club every six weeks, there are many “to don’ts” when you are a parent, as well. Though that putting aside of my needs often comes naturally, it can catch up with me.
11. Sick Days--Motherhood monotony is my biggest daily challenge, but I think that the toughest single thing in motherhood is seeing my kids sick or hurt. Though I would absolutley rather I get sick than my kids, this is not really a choice, so like other mothers, I sadly watch as they suffer, and I think that I might hurt more than they do. Also challenging is the fact that I tend to get worn down caring for them, but then, like other parents, I don't get sick days to recover. Even when I feel lousy, I have two people who need me for almost everything, and that is, as E used to say as a toddler, a "tough one." When I do get really sick, I weakly plead for their sympathy and compliance. E is getting old enough to actually give it, and L gives me sweet kisses and then goes back to being an active toddler. I am extremely thankful that my kids and I are healthy overall, but those times that we do get sick are painful for all of us.


As I look at my list of complaints, and they truly are challenges that I have throughout this journey of motherhood, I am also struck by the following:

1. Groundhog Day--How fortunate I am to be able to give my children a stable childhood that is predictable.
2. Losing Myself--How much of a gift it is that I have been given little ones that I truly care about more than myself, that all of my efforts to try not to be selfish throughout life can be put to rest in this one area, as a selflessness comes so much more naturally when I think about my children.
3. Sibling Strife--How fantastic that my girls have each other and see each other as unconditionally loving, that they can let down their guard with each other and learn how to relate to another human being by practicing together.
4. Moodiness--How blessed I am to be here when they are having a hard time, to guide them through their moods, with teachable moments and hugs.
5. The Reclean--How truly grateful I am that I have a house to clean and they have toys with which to make a mess.
6. Mealtime Mayhem--How deliciously sweet that we have healthy meals three times a day and snacks interspersed, that my children are becoming more and more pleasant to eat with, and that their bellies are satisfied throughout each day.
7. Potty Time--How amazing it is that we have plumbing in our home, in stores all around town, and even a portable potty in our minivan to meet the sanitary needs that come with a healthy child that has learned a new skill and has even started to take herself to the bathroom during the night in the past few weeks.
8. Discipline Dilemmas--How thankful I am that I was raised in a way that gives me a model for wanting to do things right as a parent and have been taught about grace for forgiving myself when I don’t do it perfectly.
9. Just When You Think…--How precious it is that my children are continuing to develop and are not stuck in one phase of childhood, that they are growing into what I hope will be happy, healthy adults.
10. The To-Don’t List--How priceless that my life is so full of moments with my children that I will still have memories to smile at long after my office is finally organized and my professional goals are reached.
11. Sick Days--How perfect that I am able to be here with them when they need me most, when they are feeling especially vulnerable, when no one comforts them like their mommy. For this privilege, I am very grateful, and I am willing (if not eager) to catch the germs that come my way.

So, though I will say that I have many moments of mommy fatigue, especially lately when the monotony has grown for me, if my girls decide to become mothers themselves someday, I will tell them that I would do it all again in a heartbeat. There is nothing that can prepare you for the sacrifice of motherhood, but there is something about motherhood that makes you acutely aware that molding lives is more gift than sacrifice after all.

Princess for a Day...or Two

Well, the Rapunzel Tangled party won out. And as long as it won out, I wanted to go all out. This is the year when Emma Grace is old enough to feel about birthdays as I did as a child...counting down to the big day with baited breath (and then taking it a step further than I did and beginning to count down to her next birthday the day after the festivities were over.) Emma's fourth birthday began with her preschool teacher and preschool Spanish teacher making a very big deal of her birthday. She felt like a star and was able to wear a crown, be sung to a couple of times, and share a treat with the class. I spent the whole morning at preschool with her while Grandpa and Grandma graciously watched Lily.

 

In the afternoon, we had a few close friends over to celebrate. It was Emma's first birthday party with friends, and she really enjoyed getting to listen to princess stories with friends,

 

having each of them decorate their own crowns,

 

color Rapunzel, race through a tunnel like in the Tangled movie, do a Rapunzel beanbag toss, dress up like princesses,

 

have a dance party, play instruments as the royal band, eat some of Emma's favorite foods, and feast on cupcakes and ice cream. Decorations included balloons, a "Happy Birthday" banner, paper lanterns like in the movie, a Rapunzel tablecloth and paper goods, a banner with pictures of Emma every four months from newborn to almost four,

 

and long blonde hair with pictures of Emma measuring up at the apple orchard the past four years with a caption entitled "Four Years of Being Tangled Up in Life, Love, and Laughter. Q: What has grown even faster than Rapunzel's hair? A: Emma and our love for her." My parents were troopers and spent quite a while with me braiding “Rapunzel’s hair” for our front door.

 

I got this idea at www.supermommoments.com. Though the braid took her ten minutes, we worked on it for a good hour…guess that confirms my hunch that I am a mere mortal and certainly not supermom. I also saw the cutest boats there and decided to add orange boats to the plate of princess wand fruit kabobs. I got the fruit kabob idea from Emma’s friend’s birthday.

 

Though a few of the ideas were mine (games, decorations, activities, and picture banner), I am grateful to the many more creative moms than me who shared theirs. For the little siblings at the party, we had a Little People palace out and a sign asking them to “Play at the Palace.” We also had building blocks with a sign saying “Build Rapunzel’s Tower.” For our family party a few days later, we had brunch and enjoyed time with some of our favorite people. Emma woke up that morning joyfully proclaiming, “I’m four again! I was four yesterday, and I’m four again today!” Emma’s uncle surprised her by wearing his number 4 Green Bay Packer jersey for her fourth birthday. The back even had her name rather than a former Packer's. As Emma finished lunch, she looked at her daddy and me and said, “Thank you so much, Mommy and Daddy, for making this delicious meal for my birthday!” That was one of those parenting moments that left us in minor shock and made all of the work so worth it…total appreciation in front of the entire family!

    

I had fun planning around a theme and reminiscing about Emma's four years. Drawing on sentimental memories from my own childhood, I borrowed the cakestand my mom used when I was little and decided to make Emma the cake that was my favorite as a little girl: a doll cake. My mom is an excellent cake decorator. I, on the other hand, am an amateur cake decorator. Two days before her birthday, Emma informed me that she really wanted cupcakes for her birthday rather than a cake. For a day, I thought that I was off the hook. I would just create a tower of cupcakes, in keeping with the Rapunzel theme. The next day, though, the allure of challenge and nostalgia came back, and I decided to create both the tower of cupcakes and a surprise Rapunzel doll cake. Thankfully, Emma loved her cupcakes and was sweetly surprised by her Rapunzel cake. I enjoyed creating something for Emma that had meant so much to me as a child.

 

As Emma turned four, I had a realization that was even more exciting than all of the festivities. As people asked me, "Can you believe that your baby is four?,” the standard answer of "No, time flies" just didn't seem to fit. Instead, I absolutely could believe it because I have been fortunate to be there for almost every moment of her four years. For her birthday, she got to be princess for a day or two, but I have gotten to be with her most of the moments of her life. Though being at home is no perfect fairytale and certainly isn't possible or ideal for everyone, I feel like I have been richly blessed with moments and memories through the past four years that have been royally special. And, since I am the four-year-old princess' mom, I guess that makes me a laundry doing, mom’s taxi driving, meal making, house cleaning, story reading, character developing, birthday planning, rule enforcing, cheerleading, schedule keeping, hug giving queen.

Sweet Surprise

Tonight as we were playing Hide and Seek, I realized with surprise that 21 ½ month old Lily was counting for me. Without me actively teaching her, she learned to count one to ten with surprising accuracy. Though she sometimes needs prompting on a number or two, she can do it, especially confidently proclaiming 9 and 10. The incredible thing about birth order is how much she absorbs by watching and trying to keep up with everyone else in the family. When we play hide and seek, she squeals, hides her head under a pillow, and evidently learns to count from one to ten while she waits. And as she is absorbing new things, Lily continues to be such a ball of energy and sweetness. She climbs up everything as if there isn’t a square inch that she can’t conquer. She runs into the room with a smile and a “hi, mama!” that causes me to grin right back at her. She has started to read small parts of books when I get to a word or short phrase she knows well. She loves to color and sometimes likes to say the names of letters as she draws, pretending she is writing. As is common in the toddler years, her learning is exploding, and it is such fun to watch. She is asserting her independence and wishing for input into her own life. If I offer her the pink bib, she earnestly requests, “blue bib, blue bib.” If I offer the blue bib, she wants the pink one. If I hold both of them up, she beams and reaches for the one she wants. She loves to pick out her diaper and her clothes. While she is growing and changing every day, some things remain constant. She adores Grandma and Papa, as she calls him, and if she knows they’re coming at any point in the day, she will run to the door and say, “Watch! Watch! Grandma and Papa” as she waits for their minivan to pull in the driveway. When they arrive, she squeals and runs around the room. I love her bond with them. Sometimes Lily does get frustrated at the limitations that come with age (or, rather, lack of age.) When she is too rough with big sister’s toys and I redirect her, she is crushed, devastated. She is typically a quick one to recover, though, and though tears may stay planted firmly on her face, she is soon smiling again. She loves to say silly words like “acky!” and burst into laughter. My favorite moments in parenting continue to be those like tonight, when both girls were running around the living room, giggling together and with me about nothing and everything. All in all, Lily has such joy for life, and watching her learn is such joy in mine. I love the sweet surprise of how much someone so little can enjoy life, how much she learns from simply living it, and how brilliantly she brightens the lives of those around her.

Four Days Until Four

For weeks now, Emma has been looking forward to our new morning ritual, removing one link from the paper chain in the kitchen that denotes the number of days until her birthday. She is incredibly excited to turn four, to join some of her preschool classmates in being a really big kid, to celebrate with friends and family with a much-awaited birthday cake. As she looks back at her fourth birthday, I don’t know if she will remember a single detail, but kids are good at living in the moment, and Emma is enjoying every moment of the anticipation of her big day. As I plan for her birthday, I also want to plan for the future…when Emma and I will have a fuzzier recollection of what she was like as an almost four-year-old. So, today, with four days until four, I plan to tell her a little bit about her:

 

My Sweet Emma Grace, 

 • You have a very active imagination. Each morning, you like to declare the character you will be today. If it is Plum Pudding from Strawberry Shortcake, you will dress in purple, color in purple, eat from a purple bowl, and generally stick to your theme with a dedication that would make Hasbro (the maker of Strawberry Shortcake) proud. If you are Strawberry Shortcake, you pretend to set up your own Berry Café in your room, request strawberries for snack, and incorporate the theme in a way that would make any elementary school teacher admire the thematic unit that you have created for yourself. Today, you are Rapunzel. You sing her songs, dress in a fancy dress, and comment again and again about how your hair is growing longer like hers. I love your creativity, your conviction, and the twinkle in your eye as you know that your pretending is a magical world that you are composing for yourself. • You have a sensitive heart. Even though I broke my toe over two months ago, you still ask how it’s feeling almost daily, inquiring if it is all better yet. If Daddy is working late and I’m trying to get dinner ready, you help clean up the family room and tell me not to worry. The other day, I was busy, and Lily was crying hard. You started singing her a song about her name, and it made me feel so happy to see you encourage your sister. • You also cry often from hurt feelings and bumps and bruises. Your sensitivity is something that gives us plenty of smiles, but it is also tough to see you cry and have a hard time so many times each day. We talk a lot about using your words, and when you do, you are very articulate. You will say something like, "Lily is destroying my beautiful Berry Cafe. She is wreaking havoc, Mommy." Lately, you have had a difficult time whenever you need to be apart from me…mostly when you first have to separate at church or sometimes preschool drop off or even at home if I am working on something and you are supposed to stay with Daddy and Lily. You say, “I just love you so much, Mommy.” You definitely have a strong bond with me, and I am so grateful for that, but I also want to encourage you to be brave in the world so that you might find the joys that happen when you are away from me. • Preschool continues to be a really positive place for you. You tell me about what the other kids do, what you have for snack, and sometimes what your teachers say. You are proud to have a life of your own there, and I am proud of how you are growing. • You are opinionated and not afraid to tell the people that are closest to you what you think. We are working on you consistently doing this in a polite way. Often you do, but it is something we will continue to practice as you become a “really big kid.” • You are so happy when you accomplish something that is tough, saying, “I did it…all by myself!,” but you also get frustrated pretty quickly when something is hard. I am sure it is difficult sometimes to be a preschool aged kid with so many new things to accomplish all of the time. • You love to play Hide and Seek and will play for as long as Daddy, Lily, and I will hide and look for you. You are cute about telling us where you are soon after you hide or sometimes hiding right in front of us before we have even closed our eyes. You squeal and giggle when you are found. • About a month ago, you started dressing yourself in the morning. Though, like most preschoolers, this makes for some interesting outfit combinations, you are proud of your newfound independence, and I love how you are able to help us get out the door in the morning. • You are a creature of habit and conscious of our family rules, requesting fruit for your afternoon snack, as you know this is our routine. You remind Grandma that you only get one treat a day, even when she hopes to spoil you with a little more. • You still love to read and enjoy your books very much. You also like to color and recently drew a fantastic self-portrait. Up until now, it’s been a bit tougher for you to draw and you often didn’t want to try to draw anything in particular, but on Valentine’s, day, you drew your face so well.

 

 

You are also getting better and better at writing your name. You still color quickly and prefer not to have to worry about staying in the lines, but you color with joy. • We play a Goldfish Game to strengthen your eye muscles, and you absolutely love it. You can’t wait to have us say, “Look at the Goldfish.” • You love to play with Lily sometimes and giggle and run with her. Other times, it’s tough to have a little sister who knocks over your things when she’s trying to play with you. Still, if you are away from Lily, you say you miss her. She gets excited to pick you up at school after she’s been away from you three mornings a week. • You like to make people laugh and will make silly faces, say the opposite of what you mean, and in general try to get other people to giggle. • You are good at your letters and can tell what almost any word starts with when you hear it. You like to count forward and backward. You count by 10s to 100 and count by 1s to a different number depending upon the day…sometimes it is 60. • Your favorite characters right now are Strawberry Shortcake and friends, princesses, and fairies. You like to play with tiny toys with many pieces, and you keep track of them well. You also like your Barbie-sized dolls. • Each afternoon, you have quiet time in your room for about 45 minutes. You look forward to watching a half an hour movie after your quiet time. • You often request snacks and enjoy food very much. Nothing gets as big of a smile as when you hear that you are going to get to eat something that you consider extra yummy. You are not especially picky and eat healthily, though you do not like zucchini or tofu. You say that your favorite food is crackers. • You really look forward to your Mommy / Daughter and Daddy / Daughter dates. We take turns taking you out once a month, and we love this time as much as you do. This month is my month, and I plan to take you out to eat…I can already see your smiles. • You talk quite a bit. Our house is almost never silent unless you are sleeping, and I am grateful for your curious questions and cheerful chatter. • Like many kids your age, I do have to remind you not to whine pretty regularly. Sometimes you tell me, “I’m having a grumpy day.” Other times, you say, ‘I was just hungry” or “I’m tired.” You think about the reasons you’re having a hard time. • You also think more about your friends now that you’re getting bigger and mention other kids more. It’s fun to see you become more socially aware. • You have an incredible memory. You have known our address since last summer, but yesterday when I picked you up from preschool, I sang you our phone number a few times for the first time. Later that afternoon, you correctly recited it without having heard it again for hours. You remember songs, too, and can sing your favorite songs word for word, with incredibly correct intonation and feeling. • You are uniquely you, and I’ve never met another kid like you. You are such a precious part of our family. • You are my Emma Grace, and four years ago you were still nestled snugly inside of me. No matter how big you get, you will still fit snugly inside of your mommy’s heart. I love you, birthday girl. Happy Fourth Birthday!!!!

Snuggles, Smiles, and Smooches

Lily is at such a fun age. At 20 ½ months old, she still loves to be snuggled before bed like she did as a baby, but she gives us the sweetest big girl smiles and the most wonderful cheek smooches, too. When I think back to her at this age someday, I hope I remember how she looks at the camera, gives me the cutest one-dimpled grin, and says, “Cheese!” I hope I can think back to how my heart melts when she gives me a kiss and it actually lands on my cheek. At this age, she’s such an active toddler that it is often too hard for her to be still long enough to plant it on my face, and it becomes an air kiss, well-intended, but without quite the same power to turn me into a puddle on the floor. I hope I recall this weekend, when I was heading out to run a quick errand while “Da-ee” (as she calls him) stayed home with the girls. Ten seconds after I walked out to the garage, I realized that I had forgotten my cell phone and went back in…I was met with Lily, moving each of her feet up and down in a happy dance / stomp and squealing, “Mama! Mama! Mama!” as if I’d been gone for two weeks. There is no loyalty like that found in a one-year-old…a heart of gold that is finally able to return your affections by running toward you, a mind with knowledge that she continues to need you for snacks and love, and a hand that still bears the dimples of babyhood, ready to grasp yours when she is afraid. I’m guessing I will forget how she scares me daily…by climbing up her high chair and to a standing position with no fear as she hovers above the hard tile floor, by climbing up the stairs in absolute darkness as I’m still finishing the sentence, “Where did Lily…,” by shutting herself in the bathroom if anyone ever forgets to leave the door closed. Happily, she has learned to play in the sink instead of unrolling the toilet paper…definite progress. She insists on walking down the stairs holding the railing. She is not daunted by the fact that the railing is at a level designed for an adult. She simply stands on her tippy-toes. She is so brave, a quality I admire. It just has its moments when you’re the mom. When Emma was a baby, I never let her out of my sight. I haven’t found a way for that to be possible now that I have two young kids. I definitely try to keep careful tabs on Lily, but I think a combination of her personality and my inability to constantly hover (which has probably helped her personality to blossom into an even braver kid) mean that I’ve had a few heart-stopping moments. The newborn age has the sleep deprivation factor, and there is nothing that compares to that, but as far as care for a child, I think that this is the most challenging age I’ve encountered so far. When a little one has just enough physical ability to get into trouble and absolutely no idea of what real trouble is, it’s a daunting task to keep her safe. And what preciousness she is to keep safe…with a giggle that lights up a room, eyes that absolutely sparkle, a personality that is easy to be around. No matter who she is, I love her, but she is truly a delight. She has a lightness about her for which I am so grateful. Sure, there are times when she has her toddler moments of screaming in despair, but she can turn on a dime and be giggling a few seconds later. She has a sensitive heart and cries from hurt feelings when I tell her “no,” but she quickly forgives and welcomes comforting snuggles even if I am the one who has made her sad. I thank God for giving me such sunshine each day. She gives me few moments where I can let down my guard, prevents me from getting my house as clean as I would like or my to do list as updated as I hope, but as I’ve learned from Emma, this is such a short season. I am trying to enjoy each nightly snuggle, every new word she utters, each time she sees me taking the rugs out of the kitchen and runs to get her mop to “help.” I absolutely love the joy with which she greets each new morning, the freshness that she brings to the world after twelve straight hours of sleep, the way she loves her routine, running for her SleepSack at naptime or scurrying up the stairs saying “bath” when she gets out of her highchair after dinner. At each step, she knows what comes next, and she’s often one step ahead of me. I love this age, where she is listening to everything and her receptive language is so strong, where she understands what is going on even when she can’t fully articulate her own thoughts. I love that she can say a word or two, and I know just what she’s trying to express and can interpret it as she listens. There is something so incredible about watching a life unfold from the beginning. I am overwhelmed with gratitude that I get to be a part of her growing. So, when I think back to the toddler years, I hope I remember it all…the good, the tough, the unique, the mundane. I’ve heard people say, “When you have young kids, the days are long, but the years are short.” I feel that already, and I’ve only been at this about four years. It wouldn’t be human if I didn’t have my “Calgon, take me away” days, but I hope that, in the middle of the magic and the muck, to the best of my ability, I fully appreciate each moment. To whom much is given, much is expected. May I be much kindness, love, patience, encouragement, and parenting wisdom to the toddler who has my heart and knows how to make it stop or melt in a moment.

The Princess Dilemma

Sometimes, the toughest part about being a parent is knowing how little you know. With all of my heart, I want to make the right decisions for my girls, but I don’t always know how to ensure that will happen. I think things through, study each child for clues on whether I’m getting it right, think back to the way my parents raised me, pray for wisdom, and read books. Still, sometimes it comes down to the real-life, everyday dilemmas. For instance, my dad recently took Emma and me to her first movie theater movie, Tangled. I really enjoyed the movie. Emma wanted me to take her out for part of it that got a bit too scary and overwhelming but has talked about it positively almost every day since. She pretends to be Rapunzel, talks about Flynn Rider, remembers the storyline, and thinks a lot more about her hair these days. Yesterday, she decided that she wants to have a Rapunzel-themed fourth birthday party. My first instinct was, “Sure, why not?” As her mom, I want to make her dreams come true. But as her mom, I also think twice about reinforcing a storyline where a very young woman falls in love with a man who has made many bad choices, and her love is enough to turn him around. On the one hand, I want Emma to be able to dream and imagine and dance and be a carefree almost four-year-old. On the other hand, I don’t want her to grow up to think that it is her job to save a “bad boy” or to think that she will be in a relationship where she can or should change someone else. I know that people can change. I appreciate how hard some people work to change. I just don’t want my daughter to be the one who is relying on that change. Overthinking this one? Perhaps, but I feel like each of the princess stories has its own dilemma. Don’t get me wrong. We are knee deep in princesses at our house…the dress up clothes, the dolls, the books, and recently, the movies. She loves it. I love her. I know there is a brief time in life for an imagination to be unending, for stories to be magical, for a world other than her own to be so enchanting and accessible. It just happens that it is the same brief time when she is forming thoughts about herself as a girl / woman, about how the world of relationships works, about what should be feared in the world and what should be celebrated. Insert deep motherly sigh here. In the end, the Rapunzel party will probably prevail. I can imagine a grown woman who mourns the fact that she didn’t get to have the birthday party of her dreams while she attended four other Rapunzel birthday parties that year (just guessing that it will be a popular theme.) I can’t really imagine her being in a bad relationship and saying, “Mom, if only you hadn’t let me have that Rapunzel party. I would have known how to choose a solid man, a man of good character who wouldn’t rely on me to help him recover from his troubled childhood and become a citizen in good standing.” Conant and I will talk with her for the next two (or three) decades about healthy relationships; Conant will continue to be an attentive father; we will try to model a loving relationship devoid of any thievery (Tangled reference for those who haven't seen it); and in so doing, we will hope to combat the princess influence. After all, it is nice to finally get to movies that we actually enjoy watching with Emma. Though Little People, Barney, and The Wiggles leave me with fewer philosophical dilemmas, they are also much less compelling and not the best soundtracks to have stuck in my head at 3:00 a.m. And there is something magical about letting go of all reality, leaving the dirty laundry in a heap, and curling up with your preschooler while she imagines that she is a princess and all is right in her world…because in those moments, you forget how little you know, and all is right in your world, too.

The Most Wonderful Time of the Year

I am not someone who loves the winter weather, but in spite of that, I find that this is my favorite time of the year. With Christmas fast approaching, it is a time when we remember how very loved we are, and in turn, we are able to show love to others. It is a time to think of family and friends, a chance to show our appreciation to those who teach our children, an opportunity to start new traditions and uphold old ones. It is a time to think of those who are in need…of a smile, a friend, warm clothes. It is a time when little ones like my Emma go against what child development says about egocentricity and think of others before themselves. The other day, we were busy making Christmas gifts for loved ones in Emma and Lily’s lives. As soon as I thought we were finished, Emma would think of someone new. At the end, she said we had two more to do, one for God and one for Jesus. She has been asking a lot of questions this year, and it is interesting to see her understanding of Christmas grow and change. On our last mommy / daughter date, we spent our time together shopping for a four-year-old girl. I told Emma that this little girl didn’t have new clothes or toys to play with, and she was instantly committed to making this a special Christmas for her. As we shopped at Target, she spotted many things that she was sure this little girl would love. When I stopped to check out a winter hat and mittens for Emma, she wisely reminded me, “Mommy, we need to be getting things for the little girl who doesn’t have anything, not me.” My heart melted, and a lady passing by gave an audible, “awww!” Sometimes I think we underestimate our kids and how much they can appreciate the giving nature of the season. Though, before I give the perception that Emma is not still a three-year-old, by the time we got to the second store, she told me that both she and the little girl would love to have a Barbie. We bought one Barbie, and thankfully Emma was still very excited to give it away. I have decided to make our shopping trip a yearly date, with us focusing on someone we have never met yet hope to give a little bit merrier Christmas.

The giving spirit is in the air this time of year. A friend of mine said that her daughter was doing jobs around the house to buy Emma a present for Christmas. Emma was excited when I shared this idea, and she promptly started to work doing jobs that are above and beyond her usual chores. She dusted all of the woodwork, vacuumed the steps, and asked for even more work. She is saving her dimes and quarters to go to the dollar store and pick out a couple of items for her friends. Saturday, she took some of the hard-earned money and brought it to church to help buy kids in Uganda clean water. I am proud of her thoughtfulness and glad that she willingly gave without me having to convince her. Part of the magic of the holidays is traditions, those things we know we can look forward to and look back on with those we love. A Christmas tradition I started this year is to buy a new dated Christmas ornament for each girl that I will place in her stocking. As I hung ornaments on our tree that were mine from the 70s and 80s, I thought of my girls being able to reminisce about their childhoods each year when they are grown. I decided that they will each have a collection to begin their Christmas tree someday. Thankfully, their aunt and uncle and grandparents already started this collection. I look forward to continuing it. This year, I chose an ornament for Lily that has a bear dressed for the outdoors because she loves to be outside and an ornament entitled “Snow Buddies” for Emma because of all of her new preschool friends. A tradition I started two years ago was to have Christmas pancakes on Christmas morning. I simply press a cookie cutter in the top of each pancake, and it makes an already lovable food even more festive. Plus, it is a simple food to make and easy to fit in even with all of the excitement of kids and presents. I can taste the maple syrup already! As Christmas approaches, I can feel the excitement in the air. Nineteen-month-old Lily even celebrated by spelling her name for the first time on Saturday. She must know that there is something special about December. To cap off an already great start to December, we had our family pictures taken. Yes, hope did spring anew, but so did wisdom. This time, I took an entire support system. Conant met us there, and Grandpa and Grandma came along to help us get some smiles. Emma told me that she was going to “listen the whole time” because she remembered how disappointed I was after the first experience. Lily seemed to put all of her effort into being cooperative, as well. I am so happy with our new pictures and even happier about the people in them.

I have always loved Christmas, but for me, having children makes it sweeter, more meaningful, filled with greater anticipation and gratitude and gifts. As I look at our Christmas tree with ornaments filled with memories and meaning, as I gaze at the presents that will bring smiles to others, as I think of how loved we are and how blessed we are, I am so grateful for this truly wonderful time of the year. It may be cold outside, but may the season warm each one of us from the inside out.