Our Ten Year Wedding Anniversary

Emma & Lily,

As I write this, Daddy and I are about to celebrate our ten year wedding anniversary.  I am far from an expert on marriage, so it is difficult for me to decide what I want you to know about it.  I worry that after only ten years, I am such a novice that I shouldn’t be writing about it in the first place, but if there is one thing I’ve learned this year, it’s that life is uncertain.  There are so many things in the future that I wish that I could talk to my mom about, but I can only reflect back upon the wisdom she has already passed along to me.  I want you to have my thoughts, however inexpert they may be, so that you know what’s on my mind…so here are my reflections ten years into marriage.

In many ways, marriage is a lot like motherhood.  It is better and richer and more textured and complex than you could ever imagine until you’ve been there.  And it is also more challenging, surprising, revealing, and humbling than you’d ever guess.  It requires a lot of self-examination, compromise, loyalty, commitment, and prayer.  There are many sweet times of cuddling on the couch, feeling so secure in how well you know each other, making new memories and reflecting on old ones, and connecting with just a look across the room.  And there are many other hard times of disagreeing about traditions, housekeeping routines, big decisions and small ones, personality differences, time allocation, work demands, and personal imperfections.  I once asked your daddy before we were married how we were going to make it the long haul when we are so different…culturally, professionally, in geographic background, in personality, in family history, in so many ways.  And he said, “We just commit.”  It is that simple.  And it is that hard. 

If you choose to marry some day and are blessed with finding the one you believe is for you, my hope is that you get to know the person and their family well, that you agree to spend your life with someone who loves you and thinks of you as priceless and treats you accordingly, that you closely examine both of your values and beliefs and character.  May you look for that intangible spark that makes you feel like this person is worth it, come what may (not just in the first months, but after the initial infatuation has passed) and seek premarital counseling to help you prepare for the assignment of a lifetime.  I hope that you realize that you both have flaws, that you will have conflict, and it is very unlikely that you will change each other in the ways in which you plan or hope.  May you understand that your spouse can never be responsible for your happiness or your wholeness.  May you realize that when you exchange your vows, you are committing to a lifetime of love and challenges and joy and hardship.  I absolutely want you to be filled with faith that marriage can be extraordinary but also be realistic that two imperfect people in a challenging world are going to come up against a lot of difficulties, and Daddy was right, you really need to commit. 

You can help make this easier by choosing wisely in the first place.  We are trying to let both of you know how treasured you are so that you seek to find a partner that complements you rather than completes you.  We want you to know your worth and therefore look for someone who appreciates their own as well as yours.  We hope that your values will be secure so that you are drawn to someone who values you enough to respect them.  We are trying to teach you that love involves kindness and looking to the interests of the other, being willing to sacrifice for someone you care about and acting with integrity and consideration and a desire to not just grow old together, but to truly grow together.  As a married couple, it is important to set goals together and to discuss finances and frustrations, work and parenting, dreams and struggles openly.  Remember that you are on the same team.  Give one another the benefit of the doubt whenever possible.  Talk well of your spouse to others.  Laugh together.  Show respect.  Be transparent and attentive, making one another a priority.  This is all a tall order, and it is incredibly tough when you have work demands, sleep deprivation during the newborn days, stress over fluctuating schedules, or difficult discoveries about your own imperfections or those of your spouse.  But we have confidence that the two smart, caring, beautiful girls that we are fortunate to raise have so much love to offer.   My prayer is that you choose your spouse carefully and then choose whole-heartedly to be loyal to one another.

That is what Daddy and I have tried to do, though we have definitely made our own mistakes along the way.  I know it’s hard to picture us as young singles getting ready to marry each other, but once upon a time we were, and it was intimidating and exhilarating.  A decade ago, we each wrote our wedding vows privately and shared them for the first time at the ceremony.  Now, I want to share them with you.  We had no idea what challenges awaited us in our first decade of married life.  We have been blessed beyond belief, and we have been heartbroken beyond what we could have anticipated.  We have loved imperfectly, but through it all, we have tried to remember the promises we made on a hot, stormy day in 2003.

Amy’s Wedding Vows to Conant

As a little girl, I tried to imagine a man that I could spend the rest of my life with.  As I grew older, it became even harder to conceive of someone that I would so strongly desire to be my husband.  When I met you, I discovered that my imagination had not been big enough.  Conant, you exceed my expectations.  I thank God for the man that you are.  You are more giving, talented, caring, and incredible than I could have imagined one man being.  I am so grateful that you are my cheering section, my soft place to fall, and my favorite one to do everything or nothing with.  I know that in our lives, there will be times of great joy and seasons of trial, but if I get one teammate with which to laugh and dream and live, I am so happy that that teammate is you.

So, my teammate, my closest friend, my fan, my source of comfort and challenge and love, I pledge to love, honor, and cherish you for better or worse, in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer, forsaking all others, as long as we both shall live.

I commit to us.

Conant’s Wedding Vows to Amy

My dearest Amy Lynn, I love you with all my heart.  I have watched you as an accomplished teacher.  I have watched you as a devoted, faithful, and loyal friend to all those lucky enough to be in your presence and to know you.  I have watched you love on your family.   I have watched you be loved by your family.  And now, it is with great joy and great anticipation that I will be able to watch you as my wife.

And, through our union, I know I have found someone that I can love, that I can cherish, that I can respect, that I can be so proud of.  I know that I have found someone that I can share my life with, that I can grow old with, that I can dream-build with and see those dreams come true.  And, I know that I am not perfect, but what I am committed to is growing each day, growing stronger in our love, and being better each day.

And so, with you, I have found my teammate, my life partner, someone that I can share everything with.  I am so proud of you.  And I am absolutely blessed, honored, and proud to be your husband and for you to be my wife. 

I love you now, always, and forevermore.

So now you know what we pledged to each other.  And now, ten years after we exchanged those promises with one another, we have bought three houses and sold two, moved three times, traveled to four continents, gotten pregnant four times, brought babies home twice, had multiple job changes, mourned together at my mom’s funeral and long after that difficult day passed, laughed together at the adorable antics of you two, cried together at misunderstandings and heartbreaks.  We know each other better than ever, some of it sweet intimacy and other parts difficult discoveries about how very imperfect we are.  And yet we continue to love, and we continue to commit.  It continues to be that simple.  And it continues to be that hard. 

We do not know what the next decade will bring.  But I pray for our marriage, our family, your hearts as you grow.  I thank God for Daddy and each of you.  Our little family has continued to exceed my expectations.  And though you probably will not always like your spouse, though the things that draw you together as complementary traits can also push you apart as divisive qualities, though there are mountains and valleys and plains in the months and years of marriage, there is a priceless gift in knowing that through that varying terrain, you have a traveling companion that is in it for the long haul.  I only hope that Daddy and I, even with our flaws, can give you a small glimpse of the joy that can be found in that. 

Our Honeymoon, July 2003

Galapagos Islands, July 2004

New Zealand Glacier, July 2005

Madison Henry Vilas Zoo, July 2009

Stockton Park, July 2011

Tangled Up in Four Year Old Fun

Happy Belated Birthday, baby. You are so excited to be four. On your birthday, Daddy came home early from work, and we all went out for pizza. We quietly sang to you at the restaurant at the exact time of your birth, and when the people sitting close by wished you a “Happy Birthday,” you were in awe, asking, “How did they know?” When we returned home, we did our annual birthday interview video with you, and you were adorable, with a sparkle in your eye and a desire to make us laugh. We sang to you again over a chocolate chip cookie treat. You were almost edible yourself in your yummy four-year-old pigtails.

On Sunday, we had our family birthday party with you. This year is a tough year of firsts without Grandma, so we kept it simple, with just Grandpa, Aunt Amanda, Uncle Jason, and your cousins. You had requested a Tangled theme just like big sister Emma had when she turned 4. You were most excited about the Rapunzel cake you wanted me to make and the orange boats reminiscent of the floating lantern boat scene in the movie. 

I had so much fun revealing your cake to you before your party.

At your party, we did Tangled themed activities, enjoyed brunch, 

had a reveal of the big girl bed headboard that Grandpa built for you, 

ate cake and ice cream, and watched a bit of the Tangled movie while sharing popcorn with your guests. During our brunch, we lit a candle in remembrance of Grandma. I wore her wedding ring necklace and earrings, and Grandpa brought a birthday card for you that she had picked out. The weight of our missing her was heavy, but we still had much joy as a family, something that would make her so proud. After, we all went to meet my aunt and uncle for pizza and then spent time playing at a park and capturing pictures of our family on your four year old birthday party day. 

And what are you like as a new four year old? You are determined to be bigger, asking Daddy, “Please don’t call me Peanut anymore, Daddy. Just call me Lil Lil. I’m too big to be Peanut.” You often mention “when I’m a teenager” and want to know how big a certain age is and how old your family members are. You decided on your fourth birthday that you wouldn’t suck your thumb anymore, something that we’ve been trying in vain to have you stop for a while. For the first few days, incredibly, you didn’t even suck your thumb in your sleep. There are times now when you forget, but you are still doing really well.

The threes were fun but very emotional for you and therefore challenging at times for me. I already see some hope that your emotions are leveling out. You are better able to use your words to express how you feel, but you still get frustrated, saying, “I’m trying to tell you something! I’m asking you something!” When I remind you to be respectful, you work harder to use your manners. In general, you are very well behaved, but like all of us, you need some help at times.

I really enjoy my time with you. You are home full time with me and haven’t napped for the past year, so we get a lot of time together. We go to library story time together, run errands together, have play dates together, take walks, and do a lot of snuggling, reading, cooking, and baking together. You proudly put the wonton wrappers in the muffin cups when we make lasagna cups or add the flour and sugar when we bake cookies. You know that I wash my hands after touching raw egg, and you can get the vanilla and salt for me when I request it. You sweetly wear your apron that grandma made for you, and you are a wonderful sous chef, running to get your stool so that you are tall enough to be in on the action.

You love to color, play dollhouse, pretend with your Lalaloopsies and other dolls, play school with Emma, swing, and ride your bike. You especially love to read Amelia Bedelia, Magic School Bus, Little House, and Bernstein Bears books, and you look forward to your movie time each day. You are learning to play the recorder and are a very dedicated student. 

You are so easy to love and very fun to watch grow. When we have Friday Family Fun and get to a funny part in a movie, you give the very best belly giggles that make Daddy and me smile along with you. You are really opinionated about what you wear, and you often have interesting ensembles. For the most part, I have decided it doesn’t matter as long as it’s weather appropriate, and you proudly greet your public in various prints and colors, pulling it all off with a smile. You most want to be fancy and short sleeved or sleeveless, a challenge in the winter but something that I can start to allow now that spring is here. For your birthday, you mainly wanted clothes and shoes. 

You are quiet around people you don’t know as well and verbal around those whom you know best. You absolutely look up to Emma but are starting to realize more when she does something you don’t like or when you don’t want to play the same way as her. Still, you two are really good friends, playing together often and usually very well. You look forward to her return from school each day. You are also a Daddy’s girl right now, frequently asking which days he’ll be home from work. You adore him, and the feeling is mutual. You sing so sweetly and confidently while Daddy plays guitar. You go reluctantly to the childcare at my gym but often don’t want to leave once you’re there, and you go happily to your four year old room at church. You adore food, requesting snacks often, having thirds and fourths at meals, and generally working hard to grow throughout the day. You continue to love healthy food and treats with equal fervor. You love your baths, often asking, “Can I play 5 more minutes?” when it is time to get out. You seem naturally athletic when I take you to the gymnastics open gym, and we will explore that more this summer. We called you a little fish in the swimming pool last year, because you were often fearless and would push yourself under the water. It will be interesting to see what you do in swimming lessons this year. You have a cadence to your speech that is uniquely yours, and you speak with a lot of emotion and conviction. You learn quickly and can do so much but want desperately to add, read, and do other skills that are still works in progress. You know your letter sounds, many countries on the map, how to identify cumulus clouds and evergreen trees, and how to give sweet, juicy kisses and warm, tight hugs. I think you’re going to be a great success in life. I am so very proud to be your mommy. If anyone can be fabulous at four, it will be you. And we are so blessed to have a whole year to enjoy fun loving, four-year-old you.

Happy Birthday, Emma Grace!

   

8 days old

      

6 years old

 

Emma Grace,

I absolutely adore the person that you are. You are such a fantastic human being, special and smart and sincere and sweet. There is so much about you that Daddy and I are proud of, but most of all, we’re proud that you are you, no matter how you change and grow in the years to come.

Right now, as a brand new six year old, you are one of the sweetest kids I have ever met, and I’ve known a lot of kids. You are really considerate of others and so empathetic. You are able to put yourself in someone else’s shoes better than most adults, and this makes you a joy to be around.

You love to bring happiness to others. At first, you weren’t sure you wanted to have a birthday party because we all miss Grandma so much. I assured you that it is okay to feel sad, but that Grandma would still be so glad to see you enjoy your birthday. We settled upon a small kid party and a small family party. For the small kid party, you invited two of your classmates and your little sister. You, always thinking of others, wanted to do something that both the little girl and little boy would enjoy, and you decided an animal theme was one that would appeal to everyone. In addition to this, though, you told me you wanted to have a special kind of party, a “giving party.” You said, “Mom, I just want to give my friends a nice time, let them have fun. Can you please tell them not to bring me any presents? Instead, I want to give them presents. Is that okay?” Moved by your generosity, I of course said this was okay, but I proceeded to explain in detail that this would mean no presents for you to open after cupcakes. You assured me that this was okay. We had such a fun party with a jungle theme, time to make our own pizzas, do animal crafts, and eat monkey cupcakes. 

After, with total joy, you gave your friends such well thought out gifts. The gift that moved me almost to tears was the one for your little sister. Grandma had sewn you a beautiful, fancy purple gown for your American Girl doll for Christmas. You told me you wanted to give it to Lily because she wasn’t as old when Grandma died and wouldn’t have as many doll clothes made by her. Sometimes I am so blown away by what a pure heart you have. You still get frustrated sometimes that Lily copies you or acts in three-year-old ways that you don’t understand, but you are such a sweet sister and friend so much of the time. At conferences this week, your teacher said that you are everyone’s friend, showing kindness and help to anyone you can. We are really proud of how you make the world a brighter place.

You are also so smart. I believe that every person has gifts and talents, certain ways that they are smart and contribute to the world. You do, as well. You are smart about people, with such great social awareness. You pick up on how others are feeling and respond well, comforting, encouraging, and complimenting. You are intelligent about learning, reading books that are advanced for your age and finding math in everyday life. Your teacher gives you challenge work to do each week, and we are grateful for the ways she helps you grow in your learning. You are smart about questioning, loving to read Magic School Bus books with me and ask probing questions to understand more about the world around you. You are wise about deeper thinking, reassuring us adults on the day of Grandma’s funeral with the words, “There are two Grandmas now. One Grandma is in the box, and one Grandma is in heaven. The Grandma in the box isn’t the real Grandma. The real Grandma is in heaven.”

You love to sing, and you read with such expression. I look forward to seeing how your interests develop as you grow older, how you use your strengths in the world. You love to have fun and be funny, the serious part of your personality still there, but beautifully complimented now by a desire to enjoy life more with each passing year. You are respectful of our rules. Your teacher has told us that she would love a whole classroom full of you. You try to think about how to let other kids learn well, how to show respect to your teachers, how to get the most out of each school day. Still, you are a typical kindergartner, loving recess and prizes from the treasure box and special days at school.

Daddy and I never expect you to be perfect. You have so many wonderful qualities, but like all of us, you are human. We will love you through the years to come, come what may. We know you will go through different stages and phases, and who you are may be easier or harder for us to parent depending upon the stage, but we are always here for you, loving you, pulling for you, seeing the best in you, and trying to help you grow in the areas where you need to stretch. But right now, in this moment, we want you to know that we really enjoy our six year old Emma and are so glad that we get to spend each day getting to know a little bit more about the daughter that we are blessed to raise. Happy Birthday, baby.

I love you with all of my heart,

Mommy

Remembering my Mom (What I Was Honored to Share at Her Funeral)

This is the eulogy that I gave at Grandma's (my mom's) funeral yesterday.  We paid tribute to her with about 700 friends and family at her visitation and a full church at her funeral.  It was really moving to see how she had touched so many lives deeply and sweetly.  She was a truly special person in all of our lives:

My mom was a giver in the truest sense of the word. She loved on people daily, hourly. She loved on them with her caring, listening ear, her renowned pies, the doll clothes she sewed for her granddaughters, the way she proudly cuddled her grandson, the way she loved on my brother and me, raising us with wisdom and kindness and absolutely unconditional love, the way she welcomed her son-in-law and daughter-in-law into the family as her kids 

and learned to cook new recipes just so that she could brighten their day with their favorite foods, the way she did so many things for my dad without even thinking about it, the way she cared about and for her parents and my dad’s parents, the way she loved on her brothers and lit up when they called, the way she loved on her sisters-in-law and nieces and nephews and church family by taking such an interest in their lives, the way she was more than a teacher to students and more than a coworker to colleagues--she pulled for them, wanted the best for each of them, thought of anything she could do to help them, the way she hurt for friends who hurt, the way she found so many ways to help her family, friends, and community. My mom was always looking for chances to enrich our lives. She often filled our fridge with fresh produce from her garden and home cooking from her kitchen. She mended our clothes, cared for our children, and made sure we continually had farm fresh eggs. She was extremely considerate of always being a blessing and never inconveniencing, giving so selflessly. My husband very sweetly says that I am a big walking heart, and if I am, I owe it to the example my mom set for me. Right after my mom died, my dad paid me a tremendous compliment by saying, “It’s a good thing that there’s a lot of your mom in you.” I only hope that that is true, because not just on her funeral day, but every single day, I can say that I was proud to call her my mother.

My mom was able to donate her eyes, which seems perfect, because she had the vision to see the best in others and would want to help someone in need. She lived by the principle of “waste not, want not.” She was frugal by nature, delighting in a good coupon or a great sale...better yet, both together. Still, she was incredibly generous with others, wasting not so that she could share so much. She also espoused, “Do onto others as you would have them do onto you.” Though she thought this, she only really expected the first part out of herself. She did onto others so very well, but she expected so little in return. The very last time I saw my mom, she did so much for me. I am guessing there are many people in this room that can say that the last time they saw her, she served them in some way. She put so much of her heart into mothering, teaching, grandparenting, and serving at this church. In each of these roles, she was such a gift.

She had a really fun sense of humor. Though she was very responsible in many ways, she was also a big kid in others. She loved to call her seven brothers and tell them she was their favorite sister, to laugh with us over the silliest things until tears ran down her cheeks. She would pick up my dad’s stud finder, grab his arm, and say, “Beep, beep. I found mine.”

My mom loved the color blue, sitting outside together on the Adirondack chairs enjoying the peacefulness of the countryside, kissing and cuddling my dad, eating Conant’s quesadillas, enjoying the Bohle Christmases, watching a hummingbird outside her living room window, telling me about what was on her mind and heart, loving on her grandchildren, making sure others felt comfortable and encouraged, and reveling in each chance our whole family had to be together.

Her voice was filled with such excitement when she knew she would be seeing her kids or grandkids or meeting a friend for lunch. I could literally hear her bubbling enthusiasm when she reported to me the joy of her day ahead. She would write me letters and emails which included many of the smallest details of her day. I cherish these.

My aunt recently mentioned how my mom was the center of our family, and that was so true, both for our family of ten and for the extended family. My mom had such an authentic humility about her, and she was definitely a servant leader. She had a way of bringing people together, taking care of so many things, and never taking credit for any of it. This week, many people have told me that my mom is the kindest person they have ever known. I feel extremely grateful that I was given such a caring woman to grow inside of from my very beginning, to receive invaluable guidance and love from as I grew up, and then to grow into such a precious friend of mine when I became a woman. After having eight brothers, marrying someone with two brothers, and having my older brother, she was quite amazed to have me, a girl. She loved the men in her life and my brother so much, but I’ve been told that she enthusiastically proclaimed, “I’m going to sew for her!” when she was surprised with a daughter. And sew for me she did, both clothes and a close-knit relationship.

Truth be told, I would never have been ready to say “goodbye” to my mom, certainly not this soon and with such a tragedy. It is unfathomable that she will not be here with our family and our friends. We do give thanks that she is in heaven, that she knew she would go there by grace, and that we will be reunited someday. Still, there is a hole in each of our hearts that will never be filled here on earth. The fact that her grandchildren are richer for having known her is heartwarming but also heartbreaking, in that they will be so much poorer for not having her weekly visits, her daily prayers. She read hundreds of books to them, played so many games, had such a sweet relationship with them that they cheered her arrival at our home and couldn’t wait to visit her at hers. My mom told me that being a grandma was absolutely the best thing ever.

I am so grateful we were able to move back and spend this time with her. My girls cherish their grandma. Five-year-old Emma Grace has inherited my mom’s thoughtful heart, making a card for me on the day Mom died that read, “I hope you feel the same way I do. I’m so sad that your mom died.” Three-year-old Lily Rebecca bears her name and her grandma’s fun, silly sense of humor.

My mom often said that she couldn’t ever imagine retiring. Just weeks after her first grandchild, Emma, was born, she quickly changed her mind.

I don’t know how all of the details work, but it brings me a small measure of comfort to imagine my mom in heaven, cradling the two babies that we lost to miscarriage in her lap. If anyone could be Super-Grandma to infinity and beyond, it would be her.

When we were young, my mom mostly stayed home with us while teaching part-time, and my brother and I are so grateful for the tremendous amount of time we were able to spend with her. I remember her making us homemade breakfasts every morning, praying with me every night. Her Sunday night homemade pizza continued to be Jason’s and my most requested meal into adulthood. I hope I can always recall the taste of her pizza perfection.

She made beautiful quilts for her children and grandchildren, as well as for impoverished people abroad. We have so many tangible reminders of her in our life…things she’s sewed,

quilts she’s given, notes she’s written, even food she made. She left a fresh pecan pie in the refrigerator that we found Thursday, cut into pieces, and froze for Dad to have eight sweet reminders of how very much she loved him.

I’ve told many people that my mom is like Superwoman. She just had a knack for doing so many things well.

I spoke to my mom on the phone daily…more often like two, three, or four times a day. She was my mom, my best girlfriend, and my absolutely biggest fan, cheering for me in my triumphs and hurting for me so deeply when any adversity would come my way. Thankfully, we mostly had much to celebrate together, but we were authentic about our feelings and could talk about so much. Every time we said “goodbye” in person, we hugged, thanked each other, and expressed our love. We ended every call with “I love you,” and there were not words unspoken between us. Still, I know that every time my girls do something cute, or I have a question about a recipe or stain removal or life in general, I will feel the deep loss of not being able to call her. Every time we gather as a family, there will be someone priceless missing, and we will feel that acutely. I ask for your prayers for all who knew her, her parents who have lost a child, her brothers who have lost a sibling, the rest of our family who has lost a loved one, her friends who have lost someone so dear, and for her kids and grandkids, whose lives will never be the same. With all of my heart, I ask that you pray for and support my dad, who has lost his best friend, helpmate, love of his life.

Our hearts are broken at having lost my mom, but we are so grateful to have my dad, who is such a man of faith, family, integrity, and generosity. He and my mom’s commitment to one another, to death do them part, was an inspiration to my brother and me, and their love lives on in our own marriages and in my dad’s heart.

So today, I want to thank you so much for your friendship to our family, for how you made my mom’s time here on earth richer. I want to ask that as you leave here, you are inspired by my mom’s example as we have been, to live big in love, rich in faith, generous in spirit. My husband has said many times over the years, “If everyone was raised by Rebecca Jane, this world would be a much better place.” Please go out and hug your loved ones, help one another, actively make this world a more beautiful place…many of us have much work to do to even try to begin to fill the gap of all the ways my mom brightened it.