The Muck of Motherhood

Though there’s much to be said of the positive, priceless, and precious moments of motherhood, it wouldn’t be authentic to overlook the tough moments, the tired days, and the tantrums that make this job really, really hard at times. If my girls choose to become mothers someday, I don’t want them to look back at all of my sweet memories of them and think that somehow they are doing something wrong as a mom to have days where they want to scream, cry, or vacation in the tropics for an afternoon or a week. I want them to know that the reality of mothering for me was blissful moments and bountiful love wrapped up in days that weren’t picture perfect.

So, below, I list the top eleven challenges of motherhood for me (ten just wasn't enough), the muck of motherhood so to speak. I want to add the disclaimer that I wanted to be a mom more than anything, that I will forever be incredibly grateful for the sweet girls that I have been given, and that I do not take for granted the gift that they are. That having been said, let the grumbling begin.

1. Groundhog Day—Have you seen the movie? To me, it was painful to watch, waking up to the annoying sameness of every day. Though I am so glad to be home with my girls, there are many days that feel like Groundhog Day…the same lengthy process to get us out the door in the morning, the same daily routine, the same walls that I stare at day after day, the same dishes that I wash again and again, the same lingering thought that I used to influence many lives instead of two. Even shuttling children to preschool and activities seems to take on the same feel. Though I am thankful for the precious car conversations that occur on our really good days, the next greatest excitement is whether I will hit green lights more often than red. I wouldn’t change what I do and am so fortunate for our health and happiness, but the sameness of life, the monotony of motherhood is probably my greatest challenge. I have called it being understimulated before, and I think that sums it up for me. Lately, with a hubby who is working hard for our family days, nights, and weekends, the sameness seems to creep in even more, without that TGIF feeling to help break it up. Add in a long midwestern winter and the illness and extra time at home that that entails, and you have a formula for my growing restlessness.
2. Losing Myself—It is a challenge for me as a mother not to lose myself in my children, in my hope to give everything that I can to them but still retain some of me. I am happy to sacrifice but sometimes find myself wondering where I went and whether I will find out when I am not so needed by them someday.
3. Moodiness—Though there is much sameness, dealing with the moods of a toddler, a preschooler, and sometimes even myself is anything but predictable. It is hard to understand the anguish a child feels when the syrup is put on the wrong square inch of the plate, but it is impossible not to have it impact the calm…or lack thereof…in the family. Whining is a part of moodiness that could truly be its own number on this list. Somehow, whining seems to make them feel better, but listening to it makes me feel so much worse. My moodiness is typically in direct correlation to sleep deprivation, also a common concern for parents. Somehow, kids don't care what time you went to bed when they decide whether to wake at night and what time to get up in the morning. Sleep deprivation, too, could be a category onto itself, but I didn't want to have this list be taller than my toddler.
4. Sibling Strife—It is difficult to see two people that I love incredibly and equally cause each other pain. They both want to play with the same toy, among the dozens of toys available, but they can’t agree on how to play with it. They both want my attention at the exact same moment, and I can’t figure out how to split myself in two. Sure, they are learning important life skills like sharing and patience, but in the meantime, I am subjected to screams, cries, time outs, redirecting, reteaching, and relationship repair with people that both started microscopic in my womb and take up an equally enormous part of my heart.
5. The Reclean—It is incredible how many times I mop, pick up, scrub toilets, wipe down the table (not in that order ;-P), and generally clean our home, and yet it always seems to have that lived in look within minutes. As I finish cleaning the floors, I realize that it has been so quiet during my cleaning because there is now Playdoh mashed into my newly cleaned floor, starting the cycle once again. Laundry is the same…I can do four loads and still somehow have a pile forming before it is all folded and put away.
6. Mealtime Mayhem—Until you are a parent, I don’t think you can fully appreciate the amount of time that is devoted to feeding little mouths. There is the perusing for recipes, the planning, the purchasing, and the prepping. Then there is the cooking, the filling of plates, the refilling of plates, the teaching of table manners, and the calming that occurs when a child’s hopes are not met. Finally, there is the cleanup of the dishes, the table, the children, the floor, and the bad attitude that not often, but occasionally creeps in with the realization that this will all start again shortly.
7. Potty Time—When your child is in diapers, your big goal is potty training / learning. Then you train, and you realize that the potty holds its own control over your life. Whether you are at a store, in the car, or restfully sleeping in the middle of the night, urgent potty needs in your children turn into urgent mommying time for you. Potty needs know no boundaries of location, convenience, or time of day or night. I won’t even go into cleanup or toddler meltdowns over the whole process…if you’ve been there, you know.
8. Discipline Dilemmas—I am fortunate to typically agree with my hubby on most discipline issues, but both of us would say that is because I am the one who is here the vast majority of the time. Discipline can be a hot topic. The fact is, no matter how many books I read, what I never suspected when I was a child myself is that my parents weren’t 100% certain that they were doing the right thing with me. Raising children is part good intentions, part science experiment. The variables are each of my children’s personalities and the kind of day everyone is having. The control is hopefully mine, shared with them in ways that are affirming and growing opportunities while still leaving me in charge.
9. Just When You Think…--There are brief seconds in parenting when I think I have my children figured out, my parenting stance down, and our schedule mastered. Then, my children change, our schedule changes, my viewpoint changes, and I get to start again, knowing how much I don’t know while understanding how much I care. Since my kids mean the world to me, I would do anything to do it right, but that doesn’t mean I do it right every time, and that’s tough to accept.
10. The To Don’t List—There are so many things on my list that I don’t get to because of lack of time or lack of energy when the time comes to finally put the kids to bed. This can be challenging for someone who wants to achieve but doesn’t want to do it at the expense of the kids. Also on the “to don’t” list are typically self-care activities, things that I used to do for myself but can’t anymore because time and resources tend to go to the little lives that I cherish even more than my own. I have some friends that have learned to balance this well, and I admire that skill, as it probably helps them bring even more to the table as a mom. I have not yet arrived in this area. Though there are some wonderfully replenishing things I do for myself as a mom, like go to book club every six weeks, there are many “to don’ts” when you are a parent, as well. Though that putting aside of my needs often comes naturally, it can catch up with me.
11. Sick Days--Motherhood monotony is my biggest daily challenge, but I think that the toughest single thing in motherhood is seeing my kids sick or hurt. Though I would absolutley rather I get sick than my kids, this is not really a choice, so like other mothers, I sadly watch as they suffer, and I think that I might hurt more than they do. Also challenging is the fact that I tend to get worn down caring for them, but then, like other parents, I don't get sick days to recover. Even when I feel lousy, I have two people who need me for almost everything, and that is, as E used to say as a toddler, a "tough one." When I do get really sick, I weakly plead for their sympathy and compliance. E is getting old enough to actually give it, and L gives me sweet kisses and then goes back to being an active toddler. I am extremely thankful that my kids and I are healthy overall, but those times that we do get sick are painful for all of us.


As I look at my list of complaints, and they truly are challenges that I have throughout this journey of motherhood, I am also struck by the following:

1. Groundhog Day--How fortunate I am to be able to give my children a stable childhood that is predictable.
2. Losing Myself--How much of a gift it is that I have been given little ones that I truly care about more than myself, that all of my efforts to try not to be selfish throughout life can be put to rest in this one area, as a selflessness comes so much more naturally when I think about my children.
3. Sibling Strife--How fantastic that my girls have each other and see each other as unconditionally loving, that they can let down their guard with each other and learn how to relate to another human being by practicing together.
4. Moodiness--How blessed I am to be here when they are having a hard time, to guide them through their moods, with teachable moments and hugs.
5. The Reclean--How truly grateful I am that I have a house to clean and they have toys with which to make a mess.
6. Mealtime Mayhem--How deliciously sweet that we have healthy meals three times a day and snacks interspersed, that my children are becoming more and more pleasant to eat with, and that their bellies are satisfied throughout each day.
7. Potty Time--How amazing it is that we have plumbing in our home, in stores all around town, and even a portable potty in our minivan to meet the sanitary needs that come with a healthy child that has learned a new skill and has even started to take herself to the bathroom during the night in the past few weeks.
8. Discipline Dilemmas--How thankful I am that I was raised in a way that gives me a model for wanting to do things right as a parent and have been taught about grace for forgiving myself when I don’t do it perfectly.
9. Just When You Think…--How precious it is that my children are continuing to develop and are not stuck in one phase of childhood, that they are growing into what I hope will be happy, healthy adults.
10. The To-Don’t List--How priceless that my life is so full of moments with my children that I will still have memories to smile at long after my office is finally organized and my professional goals are reached.
11. Sick Days--How perfect that I am able to be here with them when they need me most, when they are feeling especially vulnerable, when no one comforts them like their mommy. For this privilege, I am very grateful, and I am willing (if not eager) to catch the germs that come my way.

So, though I will say that I have many moments of mommy fatigue, especially lately when the monotony has grown for me, if my girls decide to become mothers themselves someday, I will tell them that I would do it all again in a heartbeat. There is nothing that can prepare you for the sacrifice of motherhood, but there is something about motherhood that makes you acutely aware that molding lives is more gift than sacrifice after all.

Princess for a Day...or Two

Well, the Rapunzel Tangled party won out. And as long as it won out, I wanted to go all out. This is the year when Emma Grace is old enough to feel about birthdays as I did as a child...counting down to the big day with baited breath (and then taking it a step further than I did and beginning to count down to her next birthday the day after the festivities were over.) Emma's fourth birthday began with her preschool teacher and preschool Spanish teacher making a very big deal of her birthday. She felt like a star and was able to wear a crown, be sung to a couple of times, and share a treat with the class. I spent the whole morning at preschool with her while Grandpa and Grandma graciously watched Lily.

 

In the afternoon, we had a few close friends over to celebrate. It was Emma's first birthday party with friends, and she really enjoyed getting to listen to princess stories with friends,

 

having each of them decorate their own crowns,

 

color Rapunzel, race through a tunnel like in the Tangled movie, do a Rapunzel beanbag toss, dress up like princesses,

 

have a dance party, play instruments as the royal band, eat some of Emma's favorite foods, and feast on cupcakes and ice cream. Decorations included balloons, a "Happy Birthday" banner, paper lanterns like in the movie, a Rapunzel tablecloth and paper goods, a banner with pictures of Emma every four months from newborn to almost four,

 

and long blonde hair with pictures of Emma measuring up at the apple orchard the past four years with a caption entitled "Four Years of Being Tangled Up in Life, Love, and Laughter. Q: What has grown even faster than Rapunzel's hair? A: Emma and our love for her." My parents were troopers and spent quite a while with me braiding “Rapunzel’s hair” for our front door.

 

I got this idea at www.supermommoments.com. Though the braid took her ten minutes, we worked on it for a good hour…guess that confirms my hunch that I am a mere mortal and certainly not supermom. I also saw the cutest boats there and decided to add orange boats to the plate of princess wand fruit kabobs. I got the fruit kabob idea from Emma’s friend’s birthday.

 

Though a few of the ideas were mine (games, decorations, activities, and picture banner), I am grateful to the many more creative moms than me who shared theirs. For the little siblings at the party, we had a Little People palace out and a sign asking them to “Play at the Palace.” We also had building blocks with a sign saying “Build Rapunzel’s Tower.” For our family party a few days later, we had brunch and enjoyed time with some of our favorite people. Emma woke up that morning joyfully proclaiming, “I’m four again! I was four yesterday, and I’m four again today!” Emma’s uncle surprised her by wearing his number 4 Green Bay Packer jersey for her fourth birthday. The back even had her name rather than a former Packer's. As Emma finished lunch, she looked at her daddy and me and said, “Thank you so much, Mommy and Daddy, for making this delicious meal for my birthday!” That was one of those parenting moments that left us in minor shock and made all of the work so worth it…total appreciation in front of the entire family!

    

I had fun planning around a theme and reminiscing about Emma's four years. Drawing on sentimental memories from my own childhood, I borrowed the cakestand my mom used when I was little and decided to make Emma the cake that was my favorite as a little girl: a doll cake. My mom is an excellent cake decorator. I, on the other hand, am an amateur cake decorator. Two days before her birthday, Emma informed me that she really wanted cupcakes for her birthday rather than a cake. For a day, I thought that I was off the hook. I would just create a tower of cupcakes, in keeping with the Rapunzel theme. The next day, though, the allure of challenge and nostalgia came back, and I decided to create both the tower of cupcakes and a surprise Rapunzel doll cake. Thankfully, Emma loved her cupcakes and was sweetly surprised by her Rapunzel cake. I enjoyed creating something for Emma that had meant so much to me as a child.

 

As Emma turned four, I had a realization that was even more exciting than all of the festivities. As people asked me, "Can you believe that your baby is four?,” the standard answer of "No, time flies" just didn't seem to fit. Instead, I absolutely could believe it because I have been fortunate to be there for almost every moment of her four years. For her birthday, she got to be princess for a day or two, but I have gotten to be with her most of the moments of her life. Though being at home is no perfect fairytale and certainly isn't possible or ideal for everyone, I feel like I have been richly blessed with moments and memories through the past four years that have been royally special. And, since I am the four-year-old princess' mom, I guess that makes me a laundry doing, mom’s taxi driving, meal making, house cleaning, story reading, character developing, birthday planning, rule enforcing, cheerleading, schedule keeping, hug giving queen.