This is Love

As summer draws to a close, it is with a heavy heart that I prepare to send my sweet Lily into the world of full time school.  I love her future school, have confidence that she will have wonderful experiences there, and believe that she will grow in ways that I can’t even yet imagine, but I am seriously sad that my long, lovely days with her are coming to an end.  My favorite, deep contentment moment of each summer day is having the girls join me in my bed for morning stories and snuggles, each little love tucked in one of my arms.  I love the safety that they feel when they are so close I can breathe in their littleness and love.  I adore the fullness of heart that I feel as their mom, especially easy to appreciate when we are fresh and rested with the newness of morning.  I give thanks that I was blessed with the amazing opportunity to be that safe place for them.  I am so content when our mornings need not be rushed, when we can soak up our time and reinforce our bond with extravagant and unhurried affection.  I will miss both of my girls so much, but the baby of the family spreading her wings, too, this year is a whole new level of tough.  I have new empathy for my mom, who stood with tears rolling down her cheeks as she said goodbye to me, her baby, at college many years ago, emptying her nest in a more permanent and profound way.  Change is hard, and as much as I cheer for my girls’ healthy development and growth, it is very tough to release the tiny, sweet hand that still fits perfectly into mine.

Knowing that the summer days and the years of caring for my baby all day are coming to a close, I am trying to squeeze every last drop of togetherness and new memories out of this last week of summer.  This week, Conant had a work conference in Minnesota, so we tagged along to have the ultimate girls’ week, including plenty of morning snuggles and a few days at the Mall of America.  Lily had been saving up for an American Girl doll for over a year.  She folded the family’s laundry, dusted the woodwork, unpacked the dishwasher, organized the basement, and saved nearly every dollar that she received as Christmas or birthday money.  She made small wages while gaining huge appreciation for the cost of her much awaited doll.  Big sister Emma’s doll has been a fifth member of the family over the past two years, needing baby-sitting by her "grandparents," decorating “her” room with posters of her friends, and having a very actively imagined life with Emma as her beautifully dedicated mom.  Lily has watched with patience and longing, not complaining but slowly filling in her savings chart until she had enough to buy her own doll.  Fortunately for her, that occurred right before our trip to the Mall of America, home of over five hundred stores and the only one that really mattered to Lily, the American Girl store.

I will let the pictures tell the story of the arrival of Bella, Lily’s new constant companion and cherished child.  If mothering was an Olympic sport, Lily would have already won the gold.

After over 5 hours in the car with a short stop for a picnic lunch, we checked into our hotel and then took a shuttle to the Mall of America.  Our family of four headed straight for the American Girl store, Lily as head shopper and Conant as lead photographer.

We asked for some help in choosing a doll that looked like Lily but was distinctly different from Emma’s doll.

When you’ve saved for over a year, this is a pretty serious decision.  We took some time over dinner to think things over before heading back for the final selection.

Success!  Doll number 30 no more…you have been freed from your anonymous life on a shelf and will now be called “Bella” by your adoring mama.

Lily happily handed over her money without hesitation, anxious to bring Bella home.

Back at the hotel, I had a very special gift waiting for Lily and Bella.  Before she died, my mom had sewn an American Girl scarf and dress and set them aside, knowing that Lily wanted to save for her own American Girl doll.  I found them when I was going through her things.  Dad confirmed that they were for Lily, so I hid them until this special day.  Lily was so very delighted to have a gift from Grandma.  My dad had been planning to join us if we went to Chicago for Lily’s doll, but when Minnesota became the new location, this was a wonderful way for my parents to be an important part of Lily’s big moment, since they had been there for Emma’s two years ago.  It was bittersweet, but when torn between bitter and grateful, I try whenever possible to choose gratitude.  The dress and scarf meant so much to each of us, a way for Mom to keep giving beyond what anyone would have expected. 

After taking some time to revel in the unexpected and much appreciated gift, we had Bella be “born” from the box.

Lily took a few quick pictures with Bella…

…And then just as quickly changed her American Girl outfit to the dress Grandma had sewn.  Emma kindly let Lily wear a matching dress that Grandma had made her a couple of years ago.

One of my favorite pictures of the day was one I quickly snapped with my phone as Lily prepared to fall asleep next to Bella.  I don't even have the words for this sweetness...

The next day, we headed back to the Mall of America, where Lily and Bella went everywhere together, checking out Barbie’s cool ride…

…and experiencing Rainforest Café for the first time.  Look at how excited they both are!

Three days after Bella’s entrance into our family, I surprised the girls with lunch at the American Girl Bistro.  I did each girl’s hair and her doll’s in a matching style, and Lily proudly wore a pillowcase dress that coordinated with Bella’s.  She received so many compliments on the dresses her precious grandma had made.  When the waitress complimented the dress, Lily replied, “I had her for three years.”  The waitress replied, “The doll?”  Lily looked at me, and I quietly remarked, “No, her grandma.”  The waitress handled the moment beautifully, saying, “Well, that’s a very good way of looking at it.”  So thankful for my little sweetie, acknowledging her loss, choosing gratitude, honoring the memory of someone we all loved beyond words.  Emma also dressed her doll in an outfit Mom had made in her last month of life.  It was a wonderful girls’ lunch, and Mom was a beautiful presence.

Before we left for the trip, I had Emma read the blog that I had written in March 2012 when she got her doll.  I wanted her to know that she had been the focal point when it was her turn and prepare her for all of us giving Lily support and encouragement.  What I found while I was pulling the blog up for her was heartwarming and heartbreaking.  My closing line about our trip with Emma was:  “Now, she has a beautiful doll by her side, but what makes her so much more blessed is that she has a family that couldn’t be happier for her, so many people who will always be on her side, pulling for her dreams to come true.”  The difficult reality that we have learned since then is that those we love may not always be physically at our side.  Still, we are blessed.  We are grateful.  She is loved.  In unrushed mornings and in the busyness of kindergarten days, in the security of togetherness and in seasons of change, she is blessed.  I am grateful.  This is love.