Lily Rebecca started preschool yesterday. I have been nervous about it all week and woke up yesterday sick to my stomach, thinking about the transition ahead. She and I have been enjoying our one-on-one time since Emma started kindergarten a couple of weeks ago. We do miss Emma, but I have also found that Lily has learned so many things since she has been able to shine on her own. She now loves to tell me her letter sounds, to practice counting, colors, shapes, and more. We are getting a rhythm to our days as mommy and daughter, and it is tough to break up that pattern. She even has said, “We are the two girls. Emma is the three girl, but she is gone the whole day, so we’re the two girls.” Even though she has enjoyed our time, Lily has been so excited to start preschool. Having been through this once as a mom, some of my fears aren’t as great as they were a couple of years ago. I know what a positive experience preschool was for Emma, and I am hoping and praying that it will be wonderful for Lily, as well. She is so precious to me and our whole family. It is tough to share her with a world outside of our family, but I also know that her life will most likely be richer for the experience.
Last week, we went to her open house, and she quickly settled in with the many fun toys at preschool. Since then, she has asked regularly when it is her turn to start school. She and I had a mommy / daughter date complete with playground time and an ice cream treat in anticipation of the start of her school career.
After much anticipation on Lily’s part, preschool finally started yesterday afternoon. Emma very sweetly expressed her disappointment that she wouldn’t be here to see Lily’s first day. She said, “I want to be there. I want to see.” I assured her that we would take pictures and tell her all about it. I loved that she wanted to be there for her little sis. Conant took vacation time so that he could be a part of Lily’s big day. They were so cute together yesterday morning, cuddled up with books in the recliner I used for Lily’s nighttime feedings when she was a baby. Lily wanted to read her new book, Preschool Day, Hooray!, again and again. Her aunt, uncle, and cousins had thoughtfully given it to her the day before to celebrate her start of preschool, and she took it quite seriously. She worked to memorize each part of the book, trying to learn what was in store for her. My favorite part is the last page where you lift a flap and it says, “It’s Mommy time!” when the mom comes to pick the preschooler up. Each time she read this, she cheered and smiled a huge smile. I think it was just as reassuring to me as it was to her. I went over her preschool schedule with her, talking about each part of her afternoon so she knew what to expect. It was so cute to see her practicing the things she knew all morning, though I reassured her that she didn’t need to worry about knowing everything. She seemed to think that they were going to test her. She would say, “Which color first?” to ask which color they would cover this month at preschool. She told me the sounds of many letters and counted, too.
Before we left for her afternoon preschool class, I had her decorate a sign that commemorated her “1ST DAY OF PRESCHOOL.” She colored a sun and a spider web, then started to write some letters on it. C took pictures of our favorite preschooler while I provided entertainment behind the camera. At one point, I picked a flower from a tree in our yard and gave it to her. She loved it and wanted to take it to school. When I asked if she wanted to give it to her teacher, she shook her head “yes.”
When we arrived at school, it was still locked, so we got a quick photo of the three of us. Proving that she is still our baby, she was sucking her thumb for the picture. We are working on that habit, but it continues to provides comfort for her when she is concerned or tired. Soon, we went inside, and she found her name by a hook. I helped her hang up her backpack, and she went inside. When it came time to give her teacher the flower, she gave it to her with my help, suddenly clinging to me. Though she was very shy near her teacher, she soon fell into a rhythm of playing with the play kitchen and caring for a baby doll. She colored and played some more. Conant and I watched her for a while and met some of the other parents. Finally, satisfied that she was settled, we told her goodbye. It was tough for me to give her a goodbye hug and let go, but she was ready. I felt a lump in my throat and thought that I would cry, but I was able to take a deep breath and just smile at how proud I was of her, sitting and independently creating with Play-Doh in such a new environment without shedding a tear.
As we walked back out to our very empty minivan, Conant looked at me with the concern of a husband who knows the waterworks are imminent. However, we had cleverly planned a diversion so that I wouldn’t just sit and worry about our baby girl. It had been a while since Conant and I were on a date, so we took this opportunity to turn a tough afternoon into some fun couple time. We went out to lunch, Emma snugly settled in kindergarten, and L excitedly starting her preschool year. We had a wonderful time out together, and it was reassuring for me to have Conant there reminding me how happy Lily was to start school. After lunch, we headed home, and I looked through Lily’s baby book, thinking about how blessed we were to have that smiling baby girl, how grateful we are to have such a fun loving three year old, and what a gift the days in between have been.
After school, when I picked her up, she was less than thrilled. At first, I arrived and they were still playing outside, and she was in her element. Then, they went inside and sent them out to the waiting parents in the hallway. At that point, she wanted to cling to me and be held. She said, “They did painting for art, and I didn’t get to paint at all. Not at all! Not at all! Nothing!” She was clearly upset that the day was different than she had expected. She hadn’t understood that painting was a center she could choose. I think the separation was also tougher than she thought. Later, she said, “All we do is work and play. Work and play. Work and play.” When I asked her her favorite part, she said, “Snack. We had pretzels.” She did say she wants to go back, so hopefully her reaction of being tired and overwhelmed the first day will fade, and she will love her afternoons at school. She has class two afternoons a week. My guess is that she will adore it before long, but I don’t mind her being extra happy to see me at the end of preschool for now.
After 5 ½ years of running errands and cleaning the house with little ones at my side, it will be a huge change to be alone for a little over four hours a week. As much as it is hard to see Lily move away from our small family circle, there is a part of me that is excited to have time to get my “to do” list done so that the time I do have with her at home will be even better spent, quality time without as many distractions.
We had friends over last night, so we waited until today to officially celebrate her first day of preschool. We made popsicles and had a “Preschool Popsicle Party” while I sang “Hooray for Lily!” again and again. She beamed almost the whole time.
Though it was hard for me to send Lily yesterday, I am also excited for her. As she is able to learn and process about the world, she has us waiting at home to encourage and guide her. Being a parent is tough, but it is such a gift. As our children grow, we do, too. We learn what they are capable of as we step back a little bit at a time, waiting for any moment they need to come back to us, but knowing that growing up is a process. They need room to stretch even when we would just like to pull the covers over both of our heads, snuggle them tight, and keep them safe. It is kind of like sucking your thumb, something that is soothing and comforting for a time, but not a healthy way to grow into adulthood. Though an eighteen year cuddle fest with my girls might be tempting, I more want them to grow into healthy, happy adults, able to come back to me whenever they need encouragement but move away from me whenever they are ready for their confidence and skills to grow. May I have the courage to let go one new step at a time, much the way I did two years ago when my now preschooler was learning to walk.
I am so very proud of Lily and thankful to be her mommy. I cannot wait to hear about all that she learns as I love her enough to learn to let go.
