Brunch and Buy

Life with two little ones is wonderful and busy, and for the most part wonderfully busy. Still, there are times that I wish for special time with each of my special girls. Today, I got that wish. Conant is home on vacation, so Emma and I had a much anticipated mommy / daughter date. We have been waiting for a chance to go and buy her preschool supplies, so today’s date was the event of the year: “Brunch and Buy.” It started with a delicious brunch at The Machine Shed, Emma’s favorite restaurant. Usually she shares my meal with me, but today she got to order her own meal. She chose the Future Farmer breakfast (funny, since this week she told me she is going to be a farmer and a doctor when she grows up). She had hash brown casserole, bacon, scrambled eggs, and an English muffin. I had pancakes, and we gladly shared with each other. Pancakes are one of her favorite treats. I was very proud of my adorable date. She had chosen one of her nicest dresses, and she also used her finest manners. The waiter told her that she had the best manners of any kid he had seen all day. I was proud of my soon to be preschooler, and she sat up a little taller after her compliment. I probably did, too, as I knew she was trying to make it a special time for us and the other diners, and I appreciated her efforts. On the way out of the restaurant, she got to sit on the tractor displayed outside. Normally I wouldn’t have tried this alone with both girls, but today I could say “yes” more often than “no.” After brunch, we headed to Target to tackle her preschool list. She enjoyed picking out the supplies even though they will all be turned in to be used by the whole class. As a treat, she got to pick out one special folder to keep at home. She chose Dora and Boots and has been carrying it around off and on since. The highlight of Target for her was getting to walk beside the cart rather than ride in it. For weeks she has been telling me she’s too big to ride in the cart, but I don’t feel like I can handle the two girls and my shopping if they are not safely contained in the cart. Today, Emma walked proudly as the semi-independent, almost three-and-a-half-year-old that she knows she is meant to be, and I could (mostly) concentrate on my shopping. As our "Brunch and Buy" concluded, we both said how much fun we had had, and I promised myself that we would try to schedule another date soon. For our family, having two girls is the most precious gift we could have been given, but for today, I am thankful for the rare present of one-on-one time with my first-born. As she starts a new chapter of her life, I want to be here observing each milestone with her so that she knows that school is something to get really excited about, and she is someone who is very much worth celebrating.

Gratitude Generates Generosity

My girls both look forward to breakfast time from the moment they first wake in the morning. Tuesday, Lily had her Cheerios while she was waiting for her oatmeal to cool off. Emma was going potty and missed the Cheerios portion of breakfast, so after oatmeal, she had her Cheerios. Of course, this did not seem fair to fourteen-month-old Lily. She had long since forgotten that she had already eaten her Cheerios. All she saw was that big sis was getting a treat after oatmeal and she was not. She cried, and I saw Emma’s wheels turning. Pretty soon, Emma began very meticulously analyzing the cereal remaining on her plate. After carefully scrutinizing things, she picked up the most anemic, sad looking, can’t-believe-it-made-it-through-quality-control, skinny little “O” that I’ve ever seen and brought it over to Lily. Still, I was happy that Emma was showing compassion when the three-year-old concept of fairness said she did not need to share. Lily squealed with absolute delight, rejoicing that not only was she now in possession of the coveted snack, but that her very cool big sister had given it to Lily herself. Looking at Lily’s beaming face and listening to her sounds of gratitude, Emma got a thoughtful look on her face, broke into a grin, and said, “Look, Mommy. It made her so happy!” With that, Emma returned to her plate to do some more considered sorting. She seemed to use the same care in choosing as she had the first time, and then I saw her pick up another of the Cheerios to share with little sis. This time, though, it was the most robust, healthy, super jumbo sized “O” that you can imagine, truly the most plentiful one on her plate. I felt a warmth come over me as I saw the selflessness shine in Emma and the gratitude glimmer in Lily’s eyes. Sometimes in motherhood, I learn such lessons from my children. As Emma saw her little sister’s gratitude, the generosity in her heart grew, inspiring a greater kindness than either of us could have anticipated. Often, when we can step away from our own concept of fairness and give even a little to someone who may not “deserve it,” we see the positive impact it has, and we are the ones inspired toward even more altruistic acts of generosity. Though it may be idealistic, having children helps me recall the idealism of my own youth. Generosity has the opportunity to inspire gratitude, gratitude just might generate greater generosity, and that same generosity could give others the gift of a grateful heart. What a wonderful cycle in a family, in a community, in a world. I was given a reminder of this lesson from the two littlest people in my world. And for that, I am very grateful.

The Ups and Downs of Parenting

Last Monday, the girls and I were headed home from an overnight at Grandpa and Grandma’s. We were thirty minutes from home when I heard a terrible sound come from Lily’s car seat. Around the same time that that unmistakable odor reached me at the driver’s seat, big sis Emma asked, “Why is there so much spit up, Mommy?” At that moment, I knew that it wasn’t spit up covering Lily. It was one of many firsts I get to experience with my girls…the first time either of them had thrown up. Of course, there was no where to pull over, and the smell was enough to make me concerned for Lily and the clean up mission ahead while simultaneously wanting to toss my own cookies. It seemed like a very long couple of miles of worrying about Lily before I found our first opportunity to pull over, the state police headquarters. Picture an avalanche of vomit covering the cutest little peanut literally from head to car seat to van seat to van floor to toys to blankets to…You get the picture. Then, picture this. I have stripped the clothes off of my fourteen month old, am using about a dozen baby wipes to try to scrub her down and get her car seat buckles vomit-free enough to put her back in the seat and drive the remaining half an hour home when a kind officer pulls up. He looks from an undressed, rough looking Lily to an in-over-my-head, even rougher looking me and kindly suggests that I take her in to the sink inside. I look at Emma, still calmly in her car seat and look at Lily, almost ready to go back in hers, and explain to him that with two kids, it would be easier to just head home to clean up more thoroughly. He looked perplexed, perhaps never having had a three-year-old and vomit-prone one-year-old in state police headquarters by himself before. He assured me that it was a secure area…that’s not really what I was worried about. I buckled Lily and myself back in, rolled down my windows, hit the air conditioning to get things circulating, and headed toward home. The smell made me almost wish the officer would follow me, pull me over, and escort me back to the previously offered sink, but after twenty-eight minutes of my stomach rolling, poor Lily crying, and Emma just taking it all in, we arrived at home. I pulled the van in, unloaded Emma and our baggage, and prepared for clean up. By this time, Emma was bored with the whole thing and went inside to read. I held Lily as I worked to clean up the wreckage, and as I began to make substantial progress, I heard the dreaded noise again. I can be taught, and this time only a small pool collected on the van floor before I ran to the grass and had her finish adding her nutrients to Daddy’s lawn. After this, she seemed quite happy and sat buckled in her little red car next to the van while I continued clean up. As much as I wanted to wait, the oppressive heat was not going to make that a good choice. I decided that Britax car seats may be wonderful for safety but are missing one critical feature…the self-cleaning option. The instructions for removing a car seat cover made me want to cry for an aerospace engineer. Alas, he was working late, so we made do. The clean up effort continued throughout the night. After the van, I moved on to the toddler, who I think was as relieved as I was to have herself smelling fresh and clean again. Next, I tackled the laundry. Lily had thrown up an impressive amount for an adult. Seriously, it was like three days worth of food, and over half of it was covering her clothing and sleep sacks. She rebounded so quickly, though, I almost thought I had imagined her illness. Had she overeaten? Was she car sick? She was giving her characteristic “num num num” (i.e. “feed me, please) noise within ten minutes of getting sick. I learned the answer 2 ½ days later when Conant returned home from work at 6:45 a.m. with the same illness. Now knowing that it was contagious, I decided to have a talk with Emma. I explained to her that sometimes people’s tummies feel funny, and then they throw up. Lily doesn’t know where to throw up, so she does it all over. If that happens, it’s okay, we just clean it up. However, when you’re really big like Mommy or Daddy, you throw up in the toilet. Emma listened carefully, taking it in, but I was afraid of what might happen if she ended up sick. Even more than dreading a second clean up effort, I thought that it might totally frighten her, as she tends to take things to heart. Still, she seemed to think it was pretty amazing that this thing had happened to Daddy and Lily. Though I was very sick during my pregnancy with Lily, I never let her watch me get sick, so the mini-van experience had been truly eye opening for her. At dinnertime, Emma decided she didn’t want to eat. I went up to the bedroom and told Conant, “I’m worried.” Have I mentioned that Emma loves to eat? He was worried, too. I hurried back downstairs. Emma was standing by her plate, and she decided to take a bite. I could tell by the expression on her face what was about to happen. I calmly walked her to the bathroom. She leaned over the toilet and had her first experience throwing up. As she threw up, I said in an excited voice, “Look at you! You’re throwing up just like Daddy and Lily. You did it in the toilet just like Daddy.” When she finished, there were no tears. She was proud. Two minutes later, she was jumping around, playing and feeling fine. I was flushing the remnants of afternoon snack down our sewer system. It was so easy, I felt almost guilty. Then I remembered Monday and decided maybe it all evened out. Either way, I was so proud of my three-year-old and her excellent technique. The next morning, I woke up as the sick one. It’s tough not to be able to take a sick day when you’re feeling rough and have two active kids to keep up with, but now that I’m feeling better, that’s just a memory. Whether I’m cleaning up the biggest mess or flushing down the proudest throw up moment our family has had, the ups and downs of parenting make certain that there is no such thing as a dull day or a forgotten first.

The Latest and Greatest From My Littlest and Biggest

Lily Rebecca’s Fourteen-Month Milestones: Lily is becoming so aware of everything. We are amazed by all that she comprehends and enjoy watching her discover the world with a sparkle in her eye.

• Last week she woke up before big sis. Before I could stop her, she crawled directly for Emma’s room and started banging on the door. I opened the door a crack to see if it had woken Emma up, and Lily pushed the door open the rest of the way, speeded through, crawled directly over to a very groggy Emma, and climbed into bed with her. Lily was like, “Let’s get this party started. The morning’s a-wasting without you, big sis.” Thankfully, once E was fully awake, she giggled at Lily joining her in bed.
• She gets really excited for mealtime and urgently calls, “Num, num, num, num” when she thinks it’s time to eat. In the morning, she has oatmeal just like us, and she cries when the bowl is empty. While I’m making the oatmeal, I ask Emma and Lily if they want a lot or a little. When I ask Lily, she always says, “A lot” and grins charmingly. Of course, it gets her an extra scoop. At mealtime, she methodically eats for half an hour, staying silent unless she runs out of food. Then, she lets out an ear-piercing alarm to remind us that she needs seconds, thirds, fourths, or tenths.
• Recently, her love for books has grown. She will crawl over to a pile of Emma’s books and find the Elmo book, proudly declaring, “Elmo.” She looks through her own books and will find a picture of a ball, point and say, “ball.” She also finds the Bob the Builder book, points right at Bob, and says, “Bob.” It’s fun to see her get excited by her own growing knowledge!
• She still desperately adores shoes. She tries to get to our laundry room when the door is open and sort through the family’s shoe supply. This morning, I got out some shoes that she will wear this fall, and she was thrilled. Emma tried to check them out and Lily grabbed them back from sister and said, “No!” I wonder where she learned that concept of ownership from? Lily enjoyed her newfound bargaining power, as she had just been trying to see Emma’s books, and Emma had told her “no.” I was proud of them, as they started switching books for shoes, back and forth. Sometimes I have to remember to stay out of the way and let them figure it out.
• Lily accompanies me to Emma’s ballet and tap lessons, and she calls out sister’s name as she watches her through the two-sided mirror. She really looks up to Emma and is anxious to do puzzles like her, ride the huge Radio Flyer horse like her, and eat what she eats.
• Lily gives the sweetest, juiciest, on-your-cheek kisses. After she has given one, she knows she has done something really special and giggles or beams. I’m sure there might be a sweeter act on Earth, but after she’s kissed me, I can’t think of one. They are magical, innocent, and oh-so-yummy.
• Lily also blows kisses repeatedly to Daddy whenever he has to go back to work. She takes her cue from me. When I kiss him goodbye, she puts her hand to her mouth and starts smooching and sending them his way.
• She stands with great balance, walks well around furniture, crawls quickly, and can climb stairs brilliantly, but she’s only taken a few steps thus far. I know she will walk soon and am in no hurry to see her grow up more quickly.
• Lily is so brave, not minding water in her face at Magic Waters, wishing to reach the sky as she swings.
• She turned into a great sleeper after I weaned her a month ago. She sleeps for eleven or twelve hours straight at night and naps for about two hours in the afternoon. It is heavenly, and one of these days, I’ll actually feel caught up on sleep.
• Lily had her first overnight away from me on Sunday, which was quite an accomplishment, as she’s never been away from me for more than a few hours. Conant and I stayed at a hotel near my parents’ for our anniversary, and the girls stayed with Grandpa and Grandma while Uncle Jason and Aunt Amanda were there, too. Lily did wonderfully well. When we returned, she smiled and said, “Mama, mama, mama,” but she did not cry or seem to mind that we’d been gone. She stuck close to me after that, but she had such fun with four grown-ups paying constant attention to her.
• Her favorite game is to make the “Ppppp” sound with her lips and have all of us join in…it never seems to get old to her, and Emma finds it pretty funny, too. The trick is convincing Lily not to do it when her mouth is full of her tenth course of dinner. We’re still working on that one.
• She has such a spectacular personality, smiling often, giggling whenever the rest of us are, and being playful and sweet. I love loving her. 

Emma Grace’s Three-Year-Old Magical Moments: Emma has been such fun lately, too. She makes us laugh, tugs at our hearts, and becomes more capable by the day.

• She has started ballet and tap, and she is so proud to wear her ballet outfit and learn new things. After class this week, the teachers heard her talking a mile a minute to me, and they were shocked, saying, “She talks!” One small part of the conversation went something like this: “E (a friend of hers) wasn’t wearing a ballet outfit. She was wearing a very fancy dress. It was green. Green is her favorite color, but she likes all the colors.” Emma wants to be well-behaved in class and equates that with silence, so they had no idea how much she communicates at home. I remember as a teacher hearing about the home versus school personality. It’s fun to see it in my own child.
• Lately, she has been taking herself to the bathroom and taking care of things. It feels good to let go of my helping role in that area. Yesterday, she decided she didn’t need the ring. Everything is about her being a big girl right now, and I am excited to find out all that she can accomplish.
• We did our first chart this past week, and she earned thirty smiley faces for jobs that went above and beyond her usual responsibilities. She used her smiley faces to buy a toy she really wanted and plays with it constantly. It really is true that you appreciate the things you work hard to earn. Even better, the new jobs that she added have become habits, and she’s still doing them even after the reward has been earned and the chart completed. It’s great to have her cleaning, making her bed, putting away laundry, clearing the table, and generally contributing. I’m proud of her.
• She has started to count by tens to one hundred and is having more fun with numbers, though she still seems to favor letters and likes to say which letter a word starts with when she hears it.
• She gets really excited when Lily accomplishes something new, exclaiming, “She’s standing!” or “Look at her, Mommy, she’s a big girl!” When Lily first took a step and we were making a big deal about it, Emma started running around, saying, “Look at me. I walk really fast!” Still, she celebrated with us and has been sweeter about sharing both the spotlight and toys with her sister lately.
• Last week, Emma earned a free pizza certificate at the library for her summer reading log. She was very excited to “buy” pizza for the entire family, and it was pretty fun to have our daughter buy us dinner.
• She continues to articulate her thoughts and feelings well. In one of my not proud mom moments, I forgot that her dance class was on vacation for the week and arranged to meet a friend there. As we were driving away from the locked studio to go to the park instead of the class, she calmly told me, “Mommy, I’m really, really disappointed that we can’t go to ballet. I’m very sad about that. I really wanted to go.” I have to say that I felt like the worst mom, but I was also glad that she could tell me what she’s feeling.
• She has learned coping strategies well, and she will say things like, “Can I come again?” when she has to leave favorite places like Grandpa and Grandma’s or Aunt and Uncle’s. When she wants a toy Lily has, she asks, “May I have a turn when you’re done, please?” Lily seems to understand, and she gives the toy to Emma shortly thereafter.
• She can melt us. When Aunt Amanda was leaving recently, she reached over, put her hand on her aunt’s pregnant belly, and sweetly said, “I love your baby, Aunt Amanda.”
• This summer, Emma has been trying new things. She went down the tunnel slide in the kids’ area at Magic Waters. She has done it many times now, but she is still proud and beaming every time she emerges. She has gotten good at blowing bubbles through the bubble wand, and she has learned to use grown-up silverware and drink out of a cup with no lid.
• Her sense of humor continues to emerge, and she loves to make us laugh. The other day, she was reciting her address, and when she got to her state, she said, “Illi-cupcake” and burst into laughter. When we laughed, too, we were treated to her newly modified address several more times.
• Some of her favorite lines right now? “Can you tell me about when I’m not being accommodating?” “What don’t you like, Mommy?” (She likes to ask the opposite, so when I say that I like how she used nice manners, she feels compelled to ask what I didn’t like.) “Can I have a turn when she’s done, please?” “I don’t need help. I’m a big girl.” “Uh oh. We forgot (to have a snack, to play outside, etc.)”
• The newest song that she sings from beginning to end is “Groovy Kind of Love” by Phil Collins. It’s incredibly sweet to hear her little voice croon, “When I’m feeling blue, all I have to do is take a look at you…” I feel the same way about both of my girls.

Summer Snapshot

Sometimes I marvel at all that we’re lucky enough to pack into a week. Yet, my girls will never remember the memories we are making long-term because they are so young. So, I decided to do a little summer snapshot of this week so that the girls and I can look back someday and see just what we were up to the summer that they were one and three. 

Sunday: This weekend was our family vacation for the summer. 

Daddy and I took you into the suburbs to stay at a hotel and go to an amusement park especially for little ones. (We got there on Saturday, but as soon as Emma got on her first ride, they came over the intercom and said there had been lightening and they were closing. I think I felt worse about it than either of you!) On Sunday, Emma woke up first. Daddy took her down to eat breakfast. She ate heartily. When Lily woke up and we joined you, Emma ate another breakfast, and Lily consumed more food than any other eighteen pounder on earth. Both of you love to eat, and you’re not choosy, so you enjoy the chance to eat at home or eat out. We’re trying to teach you moderation, but we’re grateful that you will eat a wide variety of foods. After breakfast, we did some quick shopping and headed to the amusement park for another try at the weather. This time, Emma got to ride all of the rides. She absolutely loved the playground there and enjoyed the carousel. She rode the train again and again. 

She did not like the super fast potato-sack slide. Lily watched intently. It will be great when she can join in next year! We had a picnic lunch on a pirate ship, let Emma do a few more rides, and headed toward home. Both of you fell asleep in the car, and it started raining again. We stopped at the outlet mall on the way home to get Daddy some work clothes. It was pouring by this time, and I held the umbrella over you as Daddy pushed the double stroller. I kept telling you, “It’s an adventure!,” and you thought it was fun. By the time we got home, we (the grown ups) were absolutely exhausted! I unpacked, Daddy made dinner, and I started the laundry. You, the kids, were just thrilled to see your long lost toys. Though we were only gone one night, you had renewed interest in all of your treasures at home. 

Monday: When Emma woke up in the morning, she said, “Yesterday, we went on a very special vacation trip. Daddy came with us!” It made all of the hard work of the trip seem well worth it. In the morning, we went to Toddler Time playgroup at a friend’s house, and both of you enjoyed checking out the toys. I loved getting to talk to a couple of other mommies. We stayed home in the afternoon, as we were all still recovering from our overnight. At night, I was very excited to go to my book club by myself. I love you girls very much, but it’s a rare treat for me to go out alone. My book club meets every six weeks, and we read lots of different kinds of books. Reading and spending time with friends are two of my favorite things to do, so book club is a great combination for me. Daddy had to work late, but when he got home, I left. When I got back home, he headed back to work. 

Tuesday: This was a huge day for our family! Lily’s sixth tooth started breaking through. Aunt Amanda came over to see us in the morning. She’s on summer vacation from teaching, so we were excited to see her during the week! My friend also came over and brought her little boy for a playdate. We all had lots of fun. In the afternoon, Emma had her very first ballet and tap class. At first, she cried because I had to watch from outside, but she quickly fell in love with the dancing and did such a great job of listening and following along. It was one of the cutest things I have ever seen. Lily and I were able to watch her from a two-sided mirror, and Lily pointed and said her big sister’s name. I think she wanted to join in, too. After we got home, I got you fed and bathed, and then Miss Rachel came. This is the first time we had ever left you with a baby-sitter, but I know her from my hometown, so that helped me feel a lot better. Emma absolutely loved all of her attention. Lily was too sad that we left and cried for about twenty minutes until she went to sleep. I felt really badly for Lily but was glad that she went to sleep instead of continuing to be sad. It’s tough for me to leave you girls, but I was also very excited for time with Daddy. He’s my best friend, and we like to spend time together. 

 

Wednesday: You were both in for a treat this day, as Grandpa and Grandma came over. You absolutely love when this happens, and it’s nice for me, too. I got lots of work done around the house and ran some errands, and you both had tons of attention and love. After they left, we met some friends at the water park, and you both had fun. Emma went down a tunnel slide and a frog slide, and Lily loved the frog slide, the cascading water, and the water that sprayed up from the ground. I enjoyed watching you two have such a great time. At one point, a lady who was pregnant came up and said she hoped her two daughters would play so sweetly together. I assured her that you are really nice girls, but you don’t always agree and share perfectly. It was fantastic to see you sitting on the floating crab together, though, looking at each other lovingly. 

Thursday: In the morning, we met friends at a park. I loved watching Emma walk hand in hand with a friend and bravely play on the equipment. Sometimes I get nervous that she’ll fall, but I want her to be able to take small risks without me hovering all of the time now that she’s a little older. I helped her with the tougher equipment, and my friend helped, too. Lily really enjoyed the swing and teeter totter. Next, we got back in the minivan and drove to the library. It was a different teacher than we normally have, and she was doing a puppet show. At first Emma liked it, but then the puppet yelled, and Emma cried really hard because she was scared. Lily was also having a rough day because of another tooth on the way, so she wanted to be held, even while I helped Emma go potty in the library bathroom. We signed you both up for a summer reading program since Emma loved it last year. This afternoon, Emma gets to go back to the ballet and tap class. She is very excited! 

Friday: We have friends coming over to play in the morning. Other than that, I probably need to get some work done around the house. 

Saturday: In the morning, Daddy has a service project through work, so we’ll all three miss him. It’s good he’s helping other people, though. In the afternoon, Emma has a friend’s birthday party that we are all going to, and after that, we will go to church. Emma likes her three-year-old room at church, but Lily just started going, and she cries a lot. It’s tough to leave her in the room, but it’s gotten too hard for us to hear the service while wrangling a toddler. For the first thirteen months, we sat out and watched the service on a TV, but now Daddy and I go in and sing and listen with everyone else. My tummy gets uneasy when I think about Lily unhappy in the one-year-old room, so I’m glad she won’t remember this. If she gets too sad, they’ll call us out to come and get her. We used to get called out when Emma was smaller. 

So, that’s our week this week. We stay pretty busy. As your Mommy, I also get to do a lot of laundry, cleaning, toy organizing, diapering, hand washing, feeding, teeth and hair brushing, bathing, dressing, running errands, etc. I’m lucky that I get to read a lot of books to both of you, and sometimes we sit and play games. I do some of the cooking, but Daddy likes to cook and often makes us good things to eat. He also works really hard for our family at his job and at home mowing the lawn, getting groceries, helping with baths, playing with you girls whenever he has a chance, helping me whenever I get too tired, and more. I am thankful to have a teammate like him and sweet girls like you! Sometimes I miss being a teacher, but I am very grateful for all of the moments that I get to teach you. Everywhere we go is a field trip of sorts. I hope you both enjoyed seeing a snapshot of outings and playdates you likely won’t remember. I love seeing each of you experience life through the eyes of a child. Thank you for sharing this and every week with me.

Mom Mistakes

I just committed so many mom mistakes that you’d think I was a total rookie at this mom thing. I definitely have a long way to go, but I also should have known better. It started last night when I set myself up for failure by telling another mom that we’ve been going through a really good phase. The best way to end a streak of success is to acknowledge it, so I really brought all of this on myself. The mistakes continued this morning when I optimistically left the house, one- and three-year-old in tow, to go swimsuit shopping for myself. My need for a swimsuit has reached critical importance. After wearing the same tankini for seven-and-a-half years, it has had the audacity to begin wearing through on both the top and bottom, creating rather large areas that should be covered and aren’t. Therefore, I could put off the dreaded task no more. My hubby has even sent me alone, but I have come back unsuccessful, desperately trying to find a suit that’s appropriate for chasing around my little ones but not appropriate for my grandma. So, this morning I thought, “Emma will think it’s exciting to pick something out for Mommy. We so rarely shop for anything for me. She will have fun watching Mommy try suits on in front of a huge mirror. Lily’s a pretty content baby. All will be well.” Pride cometh before the fall, and a truly experienced mom knows never to get too comfortable or too confident. My next error in judgment was running into a store trying to travel lightly and quickly (as lightly and quickly as you can travel with a double stroller), and therefore leaving the diaper bag with critical snacks in the minivan. Therefore, I found myself in the dressing room with a three-year-old who had absolutely no interest in seeing Mommy play dress up after the first couple of suits and a one-year-old who was hungry, tired, and making a noise that anyone but her mother (okay, even me) would have referred to as, “The most annoying sound in the world, easily surpassing fingernails on the chalkboard.” She continued to be adorable, but that didn’t help our cause, as no one could see how cute she was as she emitted an ear piercing noise from inside the dressing room. Fellow shoppers, my own children, retail staff, may I apologize on behalf of myself. My offspring know not what they do. I truly brought this on all of us. And after all of this, including a three-year-old who continually “accidentally” knocked the swimsuits off of the stroller and therefore into a big, tangled mess, I felt that I had to leave the store buying something. I’m not even sure I like what I got. So, at the register, I asked the kind lady, “Is this returnable? We ran out of patience. (And the kids weren’t too happy, either.)” Upon reaching the car, we had a very silent ride home. L fell asleep within ten seconds of take off, and I think Emma was going for self-preservation when she saw Mommy’s very frazzled face. What have I learned from this series of unfortunate events? Never, ever machine wash your swimsuit. If I had only hand washed it, I could have put this whole event off until someday when my girls are old enough that I will be begging them to find swimsuits that look just a little bit more like something their grandma would wear.

Expect the Unexpected

From the time I first learned that I was expecting, I have had to learn to expect the unexpected in parenting. Even my own emotional reactions often surprise me. Thursday night, I breastfed Lily for the very last time. After thirteen months of close bonding, in part through regular feedings (she refused a bottle from early on), I prepared to go through several tissues that night. After all, I cried the night that I fed Emma for the last time. Lily is the baby of the family, so I thought that there would be even more tears, more nostalgia. I had warm feelings about feeding my sweet Lily, being able to hold her close and help her grow throughout her first year of life. I took video of her just before her final feeding, had Conant take some photos of her eating for our private files. I mentally prepared for the emotional fallout. I did let her eat as long as she wanted, even when she repeatedly fell asleep. I did give her extra kisses, stroke her hair lovingly, think back to how tiny she was the first time I fed her. I held her close, prayed for her, thought of how much I love her. Then, when it was over, I had a startling realization. My cheeks were Sahara desert dry, my eyes not even close to shedding a single drop. I did feel a strong tug on my heart for Lily and the sadness she might feel when she realized that life as she knew it was different, but I also felt relief. Between pregnancies and breastfeeding, my body has nourished my children for forty-six months. That’s forty-six months of being extremely conscious of what I put in my body, forty-six months of being hypersensitive that the things I do could somehow harm my children, forty-six months of analyzing foods, beverages, cleaners I use, medicines I take. Admittedly, I am my own worst critic and have probably been vigilant even beyond what is necessary, but I have worried nonetheless. And though I am beyond grateful to have had the chance to carry my children, to feed them, to care for them in any way possible, on that night, I felt relief. I felt relief for seemingly silly things like the chance to eat chocolate cake and not worry about the caffeine. I felt joy at the thought that I can go run errands or meet a friend for dinner and not have to rush back for a feeding. I felt contentment that I had made it to thirteen months with both girls, persevering through thrush for months on end, plugged ducts, mastitis that was worse than any flu I’ve experienced, hourly nighttime feedings in the early months, calls and visits to lactation consultants, a concerned hubby who repeatedly told me that he would have quit and I could, too. And, being a mother, I felt a bit of guilt for this joy, this relief. However, the guilt faded when Lily finally slept twelve and eleven hours straight the following two nights. It seems that, as life as she knew it changed, she decided that we didn’t need our middle of the night appointments. Even better, her affection for me has not dwindled at all even though the dairy is closed. As I write this post, I am enjoying my first glass of wine in a very long time, and I am enjoying it guilt free. I will always cherish the opportunity that I had to nourish my babies. If I had to do it all again, I would beg for the chance to be pregnant and breastfeed. But knowing that it is now a part of my mothering history makes me appreciate it in a new way, not wishing for it to continue, just being grateful that it was.